1818: Abe's mom dies mysteriously. It was a vampire. Mystery solved.
1821: Abe kills Jack Barts, the vamp that killed his mom.
1825: At the age of 16, Abe befriends and is trained by Henry Sturges, who rescues him from nearly being killed by a vampire. Henry starts sending Abe on assassinations.
1828: Abe goes down to New Orleans on a flatboat; in New Orleans, he befriends Edgar Allan Poe, and sees the evils of slavery firsthand.
1830: The Lincolns move to Illinois.
1831: Abe makes another trip to New Orleans by flatboat, then starts working for Denton Offutt in New Salem. Abe becomes friends with Jack Armstrong and introduces him to vampire hunting, the latest craze in extreme sports.
1832: Abe runs for political office and loses. Then he volunteers for the Black Hawk war. Also, after the Offutt store fails, Abe starts a new store… which fails.
1834: Abe wins election to the state legislature. Then he falls in love with Ann Rutledge.
1835: Ann Rutledge is killed by her vampire fiancé, which leaves Abe more than a little bummed.
1837: Abe gets a law degree and moves to Springfield, Illinois, where he befriends Joshua Fry Speed.
1839: He meets Mary Todd; they get engaged. Hooray!
1841: Abe dumps Mary Todd, breaking off their engagement. Non hooray!
1842: Oh, but then he decides to marry her. He's fickle, what can we say.
1843: Abe has a son, Robert Todd Lincoln, and retires from vampire hunting. He's just trying to be a good papa.
1846: Abe wins election to the US Congress as a Whig and has a second son, Edward Baker.
1849: Sick of D.C., Abe heads back to Illinois, and starts a law office with Ward Hill Lamon.
1853: Thomas Lincoln is born. Another son. Huzzah!
1854: Abe gets back into politics to fight Stephen A. Douglas.
1857: Abe goes to NY and gets recruited by the Union. The vampire one. Not the actual one.
1858: Abe loses the Senatorial election to Stephen A. Douglas.
1860: But that's cool, because he wins the presidential election. Who cares about the senate?
1862: Willie dies, thanks to a vamp. Ugh.
1862: After Antietam, Abe issues the Emancipation Proclamation (Sept. 22, 1862 was the temporary proclamation and the final one came out Jan. 1, 1863).
1863: Abe gives the Gettysburg address. It's kind of a big deal.
1865: Abe is assassinated on April 14, and dies on April 15. Tax day. Great timing, there. After his death, good ol' Henry makes him a vampire, and they continue to fight vamps during Reconstruction and World War II.
1963: Vampire Abe goes to see Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, which was given… wait for it… on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.