Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
How we cite our quotes:
"I hate it because it deprives our republican example of its just influence in the world!" he continued. "Enables the enemies of free institutions, with plausibility, to taunt us as hypocrites!" (9.31)
Here's Abe debating about the evils of slavery, and his main point seems to be that slavery and democracy are mutually exclusive. Slavery is the square peg to democracy's round hole. Also wrong? Not letting women vote, though Grahame-Smith might be saving that for the sequel, Susan B. Anthony: Mummies Murderer.
"Our enemies are shrewd," said Henry. "They have made their cause the cause of the South. Allied themselves with living men who defend slavery as fervently as they. But these men have been deceived into quickening their own doom, for Negroes are only the first of the living to be enslaved. If we lose, Abraham, then it is only a matter of time before every living man, woman, and child in America is a slave." (9.111)
Henry really makes the connection clear between vampires and slavery. Apparently, all the vampires want is to enslave us all and feed on us without worry of persecution… or is it prosecution? (Is that really so much to ask?) The problem for Abe is that some white people seem to think that the vampires are on their side (defending slavery), when, in fact, the vampires want to expand the idea of slavery to include everyone—white folks included.
More signs in the crowd today. "Negro Equality Is Immoral!" "America for Whites!" I look out at these crowds... at these fools. These fools who haven't the slightest idea how to live the morals they espouse. These fools who proclaim themselves men of God, yet show not the slightest reverence to His word. Christians preaching slavery! Slaveholders preaching morality! Is it any different from a drunkard preaching temperance? (10.17)
In case we didn't know, Abe makes it clear here that American slavery is based on a notion of racial inequality, which is what makes American slavery special—by which we mean, dangerous and dumb. Ancient Roman slavery, for example, wasn't based on race and wasn't usually permanent. Not that it was okay, either. The point here is that even if Abe weren't an abolitionist, he's a smart guy, and can easily see the hypocrisy inherent in this racist form of slavery.