[Little naked Eros flutters above a field of clouds, his golden arrows of love gleaming in the sun.]
Eros: Hi puny mortals! Your host, Eros, here bringing you the season finale of The Bachelor: Mt. Olympus. If you haven't been watching up until now, what the Hades is wrong with you? Seriously, this show is awesome. It was my idea, after all, so that's totally not a big surprise. Here's the basic idea: I took my golden arrows of love and pricked twenty lucky ladies. All of them fell instantly in love with my dreamy half-brother, Aeneas. Although honestly, Aeneas probably didn't need my arrows to make these ladies fall in love with him. Seriously, he's perfect. Pious, devoted to his family, a prince, and now a god. What's not to love? Alright folks, ready to see who's left?
[A beautiful water nymph flashes on the screen. She has pale blue skin, delicate green hair, and luminescent turquoise eyes. She carelessly twirls a sprig of seaweed as she talks. Caption: Tritonia, Nereid]
Tritonia: Aeneas is totally the love of my life. He has to be, right? When he's around, my heart like... does stuff. Stuff, you know? The guy was from Troy! The Troy. That's so cool. Plus, he survived because the gods chose him to be the great granddaddy of Rome. Rome! Oh, I so hope that he gives me the golden apple tonight!
[Eros flashes back on the screen.]
Eros: Okay, I'm guessing Aeneas doesn't like her for her mind. Next up...
[Artemis appears on the screen. The handsome goddess washes her long brown hair in a wilderness pool. Caption: Artemis, Goddess of the Wilderness and the Hunt]
Artemis: A lot of gods and goddesses were surprised when they heard I was going to be on this show. I am a sworn virgin after all. My brother, Apollo, teased me for weeks about it. But I have to say there's something about Aeneas that makes me willing to give up everything. I think he's truly noble. He's a warrior. He's brave, but he doesn't fight just for fun—only when he has to. He's a good man. He loves his family. He carried his father Anchises out of burning Troy. He protected his son Ascanius so diligently. I used to think Hippolytus was the best mortal ever to walk the earth, but I have to say, Aeneas has stolen my heart.
Eros: She is going to be so annoyed when she figures out that I shot her with one of my arrows. She never would have given up her virginal vow without it. Ha! Okay, next…
[A horribly disgusting Harpy flaps on the screen. A crooked bird beak juts from her pustule-covered face. Her stringy hair is matted and lumpy, with random mangled feathers sticking out in every direction. Caption: Helga, the Harpy]
[Eros reappears, laughing so hard that he's crying.]
Eros: Ha! I just threw her in there because I thought it was funny. But then Aeneas made some anti-Harpy comments on his wall, and it caused some major controversy. I guess he just kept her around to show everybody that he's not a Harpy-hater. The episode where he had to kiss her was hilarious. She almost took his face off with that beak of hers. Okay, enough build up—let's go to the sacred grove to see who Aeneas picks to be his bride.
[Cut to a grove of golden trees filled with silver mist. Eros flutters above the three nervous females. A figure of a man in armor becomes apparent in the mist, and his potential brides shift from side to side.
Aeneas enters the grove in gleaming armor. Gently, he lifts his golden helmet from his head, revealing his perfectly chiseled features. He smiles and his brilliant white teeth gleam. He holds a golden apple in his hand.]
Aeneas: Hi Tritonia.
Tritonia: Like, hi.
Aeneas: It's good to see you, Artemis...
Artemis: Always, Aeneas.
Aeneas: And Helga.
[Aeneas flashes a look of annoyance at Eros.]
Aeneas: Don't you have some hosting to do?
Eros: Okay, okay. For real. Aeneas, the time has come for your final decision. Who will receive the golden apple? Who will be your bride?
Aeneas: Eros, each of these lovely ladies has so much to offer. Beauty, bravery, um… harpiness. But I regret to say that I can't in good conscience marry any of them.
Artemis: Who is she? I'll will hunt her down and kill her.
Aeneas: I'm afraid you can't, dear Artemis. You see... she's already dead. I've loved many women. My first wife, Creusa, was very dear to me. I was devastated when she died in Troy. My second wife, Lavinia, was amazing. I fought a war against Turnus for her, and I don't regret it.
Eros: I think I know where this is going.
Aeneas: But Dido... Dido whom the gods forced me to leave so that my descendants could found Rome. It was Dido who took her own life out of grief. It is Dido who will always own my heart.
Artemis: But she's dead! You can't marry a ghost.
Aeneas: That is why tonight I announce that I will once more return to the Underworld. I will rescue Dido's soul and make it immortal. Even if I am trapped and am never able to return, I will place this golden apple in Dido's hand. We will be together. Once again, we will be one!
[Aeneas holds the golden apple up into the air. Brilliant light beams from the fruit.]
Eros: And there you have it, folks. The most dramatic season finale… ever.