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1.1: Bertram's dad has recently died. He's in mourning and isn't thrilled that the king of France has just become his legal guardian.
1.1: Oblivious as ever, he doesn't notice that Helen is in love with him.
1.1: Bertram says goodbye to his mom and travels to Paris to live at the king's court.
2.3: The king of France tells him he has to marry Helen, and he totally flips out.
2.3: Despite the flip out, Bertram marries Helen off-stage. He's unhappy about it.
2.3: He refuses to have sex with his new wife and plots to run away to fight a foreign war in Italy.
2.3: Bertram plots to send Helen back to Roussillon so he can escape to Italy without getting busted by the French king.
2.3: Here's the simple plan: he tells Helen that he'll follow her to Roussillon ASAP and sends her on her way.
2.4: Helen asks for a kiss goodbye and Bertram tells her that she better hurry up and leave.
3.2: We find out that Bertram has run away and joined the Florentine army and that he's sent word that he's not coming back to France until Helen is dead.
3.3: Bertram is promoted to general of the Florentine cavalry.
3.5: It turns out Bertram has been sleeping around in Florence and is currently trying to seduce a local virgin (Diana).
3.6: Bertram and his friends decide to play a prank on Paroles that will reveal him to be a coward and a traitor.
4.2: Bertram goes to Diana's house and puts the moves on her. He gives her his family ring and thinks that he's convinced her to sleep with him later that night.
4.3: When he hears Paroles talking trash about him, Bertram disowns his friend.
4.3-4.4: Off-stage, Bertram has had sex with Helen, but thinks he's been with Diana.
5.2: The Italian war is over. Bertram arrives at his childhood home in Roussillon.
5.3: Everyone thinks Helen is dead. The king is about to announce Bertram's engagement to Lafeu's daughter when he notices that Bertram is wearing a ring that once belonged to Helen. (Helen gave it to him the night they slept together, so Bertram thinks he got the ring from Diana.)
5.3: Bertram is arrested on suspicion of murdering Helen.
5.3: When Helen shows up pregnant and with Bertram's family ring, Bertram promises to be a good husband to her. (Um, okay...)