1.1: Helen stands in the corner bawling her eyes out while everyone says goodbye to Bertram, who's headed off to Paris.
1.1: We learn that Helen's dad, a famous doctor, has passed away, leaving her in the care of the countess of Roussillon.
1.1: Helen tells us that she's not crying about her dad. She's sad because Bertram is leaving and she's hopelessly in love with him.
1.1: She then has an R-rated conversation with Paroles and debates whether or not she's ready to lose her V-Card.
1.1: After some more crying, she tells us that she wishes there were a way for her to get with Bertram. She's pretty sure she can't because he's out of her league. (Bertram's in a higher social class than she is.)
1.1: Now we find out that she's got a plan to win Bertram. It involves the king of France.
1.3: Helen is confronted by Bertram's mom (the countess of Roussillon) about having the hots for Bertram.
1.3: When the Countess tells Helen she should think of her as a mother, Helen gags because that would make Bertram her brother. Gross.
1.3: Helen confesses that she's head over heels in love and reveals her plot to win Bertram. (She's going to travel to Paris and heal the king of France's disease with some medicine her dad left her when he died. The king will be so grateful that he'll let her choose any husband she wants.)
2.1: Helen cures the king (off-stage).
2.3: Out of all the hot young bachelors in Paris, Helen chooses Bertram.
2.3: Helen marries Bertram (again off-stage), even though he's not happy about it. At all.
2.5: At Bertram's request, Helen agrees to return to Roussillon without her husband. (Also, they haven't had sex yet.)
3.2: Helen finds out that Bertram has run away to France and ditched her.
3.2: She reads Bertram's letter and finds out that he'll never be a husband to her unless she can complete the following tasks: (a) get the ring off Bertram's finger and (b) get pregnant with Bertram's baby.
3.2: Next up, a holy pilgrimage to the Shrine of St. Jaques (a.k.a. St. James) in Spain.
3.5: Helen shows up in Italy, where Bertram is. (We guess she got lost on her way to Spain.)
3.5: Helen convinces a local virgin (Diana) to help her trick Bertram into having sex with her in the dark. She also convinces Diana to get Bertram's ring for her.
4.3: We hear a rumor that Helen has died of a broken heart.
4.4: The bed trick has gone as planned (off stage). We learn that Bertram went to Diana's dark bedroom and had sex with Helen, even though he thought he was hooking up with Diana.
5.1: Helen travels to Marseilles, France to confront Bertram but he's not there, so she heads out for Roussillon, where everyone thinks she's dead.
5.3: The trickster shows up in Roussillon, confronts Bertram, and shows him that she has his ring and is pregnant with his kid. Game over.