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All's Well That Ends Well

All's Well That Ends Well


by William Shakespeare

Analysis: Steaminess Rating

Exactly how steamy is this story?


How steamy is All's Well That Ends Well? Let's see. The heroine of our play (that would be Helen) tricks a guy into having sex with her so she can have his baby and force him to stay married to her. Then there's Bertram (Helen's husband), the ultimate love-'em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. His favorite hobby is seducing young, naive virgins and making promises he doesn't plan to keep. His best friend is Paroles, who spends most of his time talking dirty to girls and giving big, ridiculous speeches about why young women shouldn't bother trying to hold on to their V-Cards. You can see why we're giving this play an R-rating.

We also want to point out, however, that the play's hormone-driven activity hinges on a not-so-sexy situation involving the king of France. Before Helen can marry the man of her dreams and trick him into sleeping with her, she has to travel to Paris and cure a giant abscess (a.k.a. pus-filled boil) that's been growing on the king's rear end. Yep, on a scale of 0-10, that has a steaminess factor of ZERO.

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