It's time to tune in to Wake Up Olympus, your source for all the news that's fit for TV, with your host Lady Pheme, goddess of gossip and fame.
LADY PHEME: Good morning, Mount Olympus! This is the show you have all been waiting for. You've heard the rumors; now meet the real goddess behind the scandals. Yes, at long last we bring you Aphrodite herself. The goddess of love, sex, and beauty reveals all today on Wake Up Olympus!
The crowd applauds and squeals.
Aphrodite: Thank you Pheme. I'm super psyched to finally be able to make it to your show.
Lady Pheme: We've been trying to get you here for a long time now.
Aphrodite: Yeah, I know, but what's a goddess of love to do? I'm a busy girl.
Lady Pheme: Let's get right to it, Aphro. Is it OK if I call you Aphro?
Aphrodite: Ummm, why would you call me that? Is my hair especially gorgeous today?
Lady Pheme: No ... because the first part of your name is ... well ...
Aphrodite: I don't get it.
Lady Pheme: OK, we'll just stick with Aphrodite.
Lady Pheme: OK, Aphrodite, as you know, we've brought you on the show today to help you clear the air. There've been a lot of wild rumors going around about you for a while now.
Aphrodite: That's totally true, Pheme. I'm glad to get a chance to tell my side of the story. There are a lot of haters out there.
Lady Pheme: Here's one I've always wondered about: Is it true that you emerged from the floating – err – member of Ouranos?
Aphrodite: Hahaha! Don't look so uncomfortable, Pheme. It's totally true. When Zeus's dad Cronus took power, he castrated his own father, Ouranos, and tossed the severed member into the sea. Next thing you know, some lovely foam rose up out of it, and from that foam came the gorgeousness that is me.
Lady Pheme: Amazing.
Aphrodite: Yeah, I've pretty much got the best origin story ever.
Lady Pheme: Let's move on to some of the more scandalous rumors flying around.
Aphrodite: I'm totes ready, Pheme.
Lady Pheme: What would you say to the people who've accused you of neglecting your child?
Aphrodite: I mean, that's totally crazy. Eros is the happiest kid around.
Lady Pheme: Your critics say that he's out of control. He flies around naked all the time and shoots people with his love-inducing arrows for his own personal amusement.
Aphrodite: Number one: what's wrong with being naked?
Lady Pheme: Yes, I notice you're not wearing any clothes now.
Aphrodite: With a body like this, why cover it up?
Lady Pheme: But what about the allegations of your son's irresponsible use of power?
Aphrodite: I say, the more love in the world, the better.
Lady Pheme: Is it true that the Olympian Child Services threatened to take him away?
Aphrodite: It is.
Lady Pheme: How did you get out of that one?
Aphrodite: Let's just say I used a little of my charm.
Lady Pheme: Interesting. That brings me to my next question: What do you have to say to all those who accused you of having multiple affairs?
Aphrodite: I'd say, what's the big deal? Get over it.
Lady Pheme: So, it's true?
Aphrodite: Oh, I've had tons of affairs. Ares and I ... well, we get along really well. And then there was Adonis. I'll never get over the way he died. Oh, that beautiful boy.
Aphrodite tears up.
Lady Pheme: Do you need a tissue, Aphrodite?
Aphrodite blows her nose.
Lady Pheme: What does your husband, Hephaestus, have to say about your infidelity?
Aphrodite: Oh, yeah ... him. He totally hates it.
Lady Pheme: And you don't feel bad at all?
Aphrodite: Hey, he married the goddess of love, beauty, and sex. What did he expect?
Lady Pheme: Basically, what you're telling us is all the scandalous rumors are true.
Aphrodite: I am who I am, Pheme. And all those haters out there need to get over it.