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Argus

Argus

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Talk Show

Argus recently did a guest spot on Life is Strife!, the hottest new talk show in Elysium, hosted by Eris, the goddess of strife. The show has been getting killer ratings, even though it's pretty controversial. Some say it's a new low in television, while others just can't get enough. One thing's for sure: Argus totally regrets ever agreeing to appear.

Life is Strife! with Eris

[In a dark, cave-like television studio, Argus, a giant covered with eyes, sits across the stage from Eris, a nasty looking goddess with dark wings.
A television audience hoots and hollers until Eris silences them with a sharp gesture.
Eris turns to Argus with a sneer on her face.]

Eris: Well, well, well... if it isn't Argus. Look who has the nerve to come on my show.

Argus: You invited me.

Eris: I did, did I?

Argus: Yeah, you did.

Eris: Are you getting an attitude with me?

Argus: I don't think so.

Eris: You're a big one, aren't you?

Argus: Um, I'm a giant, so I guess so.

Eris: Look at all those eyes.

Argus: Yeah, I'm kind of covered in them.

Eris: You were born that way?

Argus: Yeah.

Eris: Does it make you angry?

Argus: It's just how I was born.

Eris: Is it true that you never sleep?

Argus: Yeah, my eyes take turns sleeping, so I can always see what's going on all around me.

Eris: That's why they call you Argus, "the all seeing."

Argus: That's right... Argus Panoptes.

Eris: Don't get fancy with me.

Argus: I'm not trying to. That's just my full name in Greek.

Eris: Oh, well shah, shah, shah...

Argus: Look, I know you're the goddess of strife and all, but this is getting uncomfortable.

Eris: You hear that, audience? I'm making him uncomfortable!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Argus: What is everybody's problem?

Eris: Why don't you explain to my audience why you proved to be such an awful watchman even though you're totally covered with eyes?

Argus: Are you talking about the Io thing?

Eris: Yes, "the Io thing."

Argus: It wasn't my fault. Hermes put me to sleep with his magic lyre.

Eris: Guess all your eyes went to sleep that time.

Argus: Like I said, it was a magic lyre.

Eris: Why don't you explain to the audience and the folks at home why you were guarding Io in the first place?

Argus: Well, Zeus was cheating on Hera with the nymph. When Hera walked in on them, he changed Io into a white cow to fool his wife.

Eris: What, so Hera would think he was cheating on her with a cow instead?

Argus: Yeah, I don't really understand Zeus's reasoning. Anyway, Hera wasn't fooled at all. She demanded the cow as a gift and ordered me to guard it.

Eris: Which you failed at miserably.

Argus: I'm really getting sick of you. You know that?

Eris: I have that effect on people.

Argus: Zeus sent Hermes to rescue Io! Hermes put me to sleep and chopped off my head!

Eris: Oh, and I'm supposed to pity you?

Argus: This is the most antagonistic interview ever.

Eris: You aided in kidnapping and imprisoning an innocent young nymph! And then you didn't even do a good job at it!

Argus: Hey, I'm the injured party here! I was just doing what Hera told me to do and got my head chopped while I was sleeping! It was evil what Hermes did to me!

Eris: So, killing people in their sleep is evil, huh?

Argus: Of course, it is.

Eris: Hmmm, audience. I think it's time to introduce Mr. Argus Panoptes to our surprise guest.

[Wild applause from the audience.]

Argus: What? Who is it?

Eris: Perhaps you remember a lovely lady named Echidna? Echidna who you brutally slaughtered while she was sleeping?

Audience: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh....

Argus: She's a horrible monster with the upper body of a woman and the lower body of a giant snake!

Eris: Should you really be judging people based on their looks?

Argus: She was eating people!

Eris: Says you. What do you say, audience? Ready to hear Echidna's side of the story?

[The audience roars its approval.]

Eris: Marvelous!

[Huge trap doors open under Argus. He tumbles into a deep pit.]

Argus: Whaaaaaa.....!

[The hulking Echidna is coiled in a corner. Her upper body is that of a beautiful nymph, but her lower half is that of a huge, slimy serpent. She smiles evilly at Argus and licks her lips.]

Echidna: I've been waiting for you, Argus Panoptes.

[Argus looks up at Eris, who stands laughing on the edge of the pit.]

Argus: This is a seriously messed up show.

Eris: You should see my ratings!

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