Interview with Artemis (Diana)
Shmoop's crack team of P.I.s recently invested in an excellent new long distance laser microphone. With this amazing device we've been able to spy on the gods' conversations.
APOLLO: Hey, sis. Nice night, huh?
ARTEMIS: Well, well... look who decided to pay his sister a visit.
APOLLO: I don't need the guilt trip, Artemis.
ARTEMIS: I haven't seen you since Mom's last birthday.
APOLLO: Why is that my fault? Maybe if you came up to Olympus once in a while instead of hanging out in the woods all the time...
ARTEMIS: I like the woods. Look at it out here. It's gorgeous.
APOLLO: The other gods and goddesses are really starting to talk, you know. You're always out here. Do you really need to hunt so much?
ARTEMIS: I'm the goddess of the wilderness and the hunt. What else should I be doing?
APOLLO: You hardly ever hang out with any of the other Olympians. It's always just you and your nymphs.
ARTEMIS: What's wrong with my nymph friends?
APOLLO: Nothing, nothing.
ARTEMIS: Don't do that.
APOLLO: Do what?
ARTEMIS: Say "nothing, nothing" all passive-aggressively. Say what you have to say.
APOLLO: I just think a goddess should keep better company than a gaggle of giggling nymphs.
ARTEMIS: Oh, give me a break. I seem to remember a particular nymph you begged to keep you "company." Hmm, what was her name...?
APOLLO: Don't say it...
ARTEMIS: Let me see. It's on the tip of my tongue...
APOLLO: Don't you dare say her name.
ARTEMIS: Daphne! Daphne! Daphne!
[Shmoop Tip: For the full story on Apollo and Daphne, click here.]
APOLLO: You know how I felt about her... how I still feel! Why are you so hateful?
ARTEMIS: Just leave my nymphs alone.
APOLLO: Maybe you should leave them alone.
ARTEMIS: What's that supposed to mean?
APOLLO: You're so overbearing. What if they don't all want to be virgins forever like you?
ARTEMIS: They're all free to go if they want to.
APOLLO: Oh, sure... Like Callisto was free to do whatever she wanted to do.
ARTEMIS: Don't you bring her up.
APOLLO: Callisto! Callisto! Callisto!
ARTEMIS: You really are a child, Apollo.
APOLLO: Zeus seduced her disguised as you, Artemis. What does that tell you? She loved you, and you turned her into a bear and shot her.
ARTEMIS: You don't have to tell me what happened. I remember all too clearly.
APOLLO: You know what I think? I think you have a problem with intimacy.
ARTEMIS: I can't believe you just said that to me.
APOLLO: I'm right.
ARTEMIS: You're an idiot.
APOLLO: Look at that. Your nose is twitching. It always does that when you know I'm right and you don't want to admit it. You have a problem being close to people, and that's why you've never even been on a date.
ARTEMIS: You're such a typical male. Why does a goddess have to date to be happy?
APOLLO: Everybody knows you had a thing for Orion.
ARTEMIS: He was an excellent hunter. I did respect that.
APOLLO: It was more than respect, and you know it. You had real feelings for him, and that's why you had him killed.
ARTEMIS: Orion acted inappropriately towards me, and he had to be punished.
APOLLO: By sending a giant scorpion to kill him? A giant scorpion!
ARTEMIS: How much time have you wasted pining over lost loves, Apollo? Seriously, how much of your divine energy have you squandered chasing after this nymph or that nymph, or some mortal or another. Look at you... you still wear that laurel wreath on your head in honor of Daphne. Pathetic.
APOLLO: You don't have to be cruel, sis.
ARTEMIS: What, are you gonna pout now?
APOLLO: I'm just going to go. The sun is supposed to rise soon.
ARTEMIS: Oh, come on... I didn't mean to be—
APOLLO: No, it's fine. It's fine. I've got to get to work.
ARTEMIS: I'm sorry, look. I really am. I just don't get it. Why is everybody so concerned with me being celibate? Nobody ever rags on Athena about it.
APOLLO: Well, no... but Athena is even scarier than you are.
ARTEMIS: Ha, well. I won't argue with you there. But I'll tell you what... What's really scary to all you gods is a strong goddess who doesn't need males in her life to make her happy.
APOLLO: Sis, I'm not scared of you. I'm just scared for you. That's all.
ARTEMIS: You don't have to be. I'm fine. I made a choice, and I'm happy with it.
APOLLO: Sure, sure...You seriously are a little sadistic though. You have to admit it. I mean, you turned Actaeon into a bear and had his own dogs rip him apart.
ARTEMIS: He was a peeping Tom!
APOLLO: I know, but what's this thing you have with turning people into animals before you kill them? It's just a little messed up is all.
ARTEMIS: Don't even try it. You're just as messed up as I am.
APOLLO: How so?
ARTEMIS: What about when... like... you killed all of Niobe's sons?
APOLLO: Well, she did talk junk about Mom.
ARTEMIS: Still, you don't think it was a bit of an overreaction?
APOLLO: Yeah, okay. Point taken. But you killed her seven daughters.
ARTEMIS: I think Hera trying to kill Mom while we were still in the womb did some kind of damage or something.
APOLLO: It's a possibility.
The sound of a twig breaking.
ARTEMIS: What was that?
APOLLO: I think somebody's hiding in that bush.
ARTEMIS: A spy?
APOLLO: Someone's been listening to this whole conversation.
ARTEMIS: Watch out brother, I'm feeling a little sadistic.
SHMOOP INVESTIGATOR: Crap.
Shmoop's long distance laser microphone and the recording of Apollo and Artemis's conversation were brought out of the wilderness by a wild boar. We have a strong suspicion that this boar is the investigator we originally sent into the woods to search for Artemis. The boar received several arrow wounds, but was otherwise unharmed. We now have a special pen for him in Shmoop HQ, where he happily munches on apples. This entry is dedicated to his brave sacrifice in the pursuit of knowledge.