Thutmose I: Good morning and welcome to WEGT, your premium source for all things entertainment in ancient Egypt. I'm DJ Mose, a.k.a. Mose with the Mostest, a.k.a. Thut the Magnificent, a.k.a. Mr. Smooth. This morning, we've got the latest edition of "Get to Know a God." Ladies and gentlemen, gods and goblins, please welcome Bes!
Bes: Thanks for having me, Thutmose—I mean, DJ Mose. It's my pleasure.
Thutmose I: I'm sure it is. Who wouldn't love chilling with me? So Bes, let's "Get to Know a God." Let's start off by having you tell us a little bit about yourself.
Bes: Well, my name's just "Bes." It's not short for "bestiary," or "best friend," or anything like that. Second, I'm not exactly sure where I'm originally from.
Thutmose I: What do you mean, you don't know where you're from? I think everybody knows where they're from. For example, I'm Egyptian, but my father was also the god Ra, so I'm technically from heaven, too. That's what the ladies would tell me whenever we hung out, too.
Bes: I don't know how to respond to that, really. Anyway, I never met my mom and dad. I just kinda turned up one day in Egypt.
Thutmose I: Any idea where you might be from? Did anybody leave a trail of breadcrumbs for you or anything?
Bes: I'm either from Nubia or from somewhere in the Middle East. Nobody's quite sure, but I don't really care now. Egypt's my home and where I belong.
Thutmose I: So what's an average day like for you, Bes?
Bes: It depends on the day. I might start by getting some pancakes at the local EHOP (Egyptian House of Pancakes), then I'll go to work. My job's really great—I never do the same thing twice in one day. If a royal baby is being born, I hop in my chariot and head straight for the palace to help out.
Thutmose I: Were you there when I was born?
Bes: I don't think so. I might've been, but I didn't mark it on my calendar or anything because…
Thutmose I: Because of what? Did you and my mom not get along or something? She could be feisty.
Bes: Uh, you weren't technically born royal, Thutmose. It's a really, really long story. Anyway, I might start the day by chowing down, then carpool with Taweret to help out whatever local woman is giving birth. Taweret's more… hands-on with the actual birthing process. I just help scare off any demons or bad spirits that might want to get their hands on the vulnerable mom or baby.
Thutmose I: How do you do that?
Bes: I stick my tongue out, which freaks out a lot of spirits. I also make a lot of noise with my one-man band. I like to dance and shout—often to the song "Twist and Shout"—and bang on a drum. No spirits can hang around when there's such glorious noise around them.
Thutmose I: Is that why you and Hathor are such good friends?
Bes: She's the goddess of music, so I borrow drums from her now and then. We also both love beer, so we like going out to sample the latest brews in Thebes or Memphis whenever we're both in town.
Thutmose I: I like your beard, by the way. It's very regal.
Bes: That's because it's lion-inspired. I mean, no one—not even me—knows if I was born part lion or something like that. That would explain why I have such a luxurious mane of golden hair.
Thutmose I: So you mainly stick around in Egypt, right? I've gotten the chance to travel both north and south on military campaigns.
Bes: I don't travel a ton myself, but my worship does get around, especially up north, like you mentioned. A lot of folks in the Middle East—more specifically, the Israel-Syria-Palestine area—find me super appealing. From Megiddo to Ashkelon, Lachish to Beth Shean, you can find Big Bes being honored to the max.
Thutmose I: You called yourself "Big Bes." I take it that's ironic?
Bes [sarcastically]: Aren't you clever, Thutmose? Of course, it's intentionally ironic. I might be pretty short, but a lot of people really love me. I protect their families and help couples have babies if they're having trouble.
Thutmose I: On your way into the studio, somebody called you "Aha." Did you discover something?
Bes: Nope. Sometimes I like to pick up a sword and swing it around. I've never been much of a warrior, but what man doesn't want to help protect the ones he loves by being a soldier? Anyway, there's another god named Aha that was around my height and had the same build. He was much more of a warrior than I'll ever be, so people call me "Aha" when they see me practicing with my sword because we look alike.
Thutmose I: All right, Bes. I want to thank you for stopping in today to let everybody "Get to Know a God." Next up, we have Mixmaster Montu hitting us up with a killer set of tunes!