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Bell Curve


You make mixtapes and playlists for your friends. A few say thank you. A few more thank you for the free drink coasters. You get grounded for a summer after your dad discovers you scratching his Uriah Heep records. Get grounded for the rest of the year when he tells you to use your mother's Patsy Cline records instead.


Do you know the difference between a Bar and Bat Mitzvah? You will. One rule: Always play the songs requested by the father. And maybe not so loud. Don't play "You're Still a Young Man." Did your bride and groom meet in a strip club, where the song wouldn't make a good first dance? Find another and choose wisely, grasshopper.


A guest DJ gig is nice, but like most guests, you can't stay long. You're still in the land of people throwing their hands in the air like they just don't care. Just keep staring at the turntables, pretending you're DJ Tiesto. You can write off your equipment and travel expenses, but if you don't turn a profit in five years, the IRS calls it a hobby. So does Shmoop.


You don't take requests, people request you. And they pay you to be there. Your name is all over the Internet on tracks like "BeatsBrat2000 (feat. Iktathaurus Wrex) Double Dutch mix aka DroneAttack.mp3" and people actually know which one is your name.


Not only do you spin for celebrities, you are one. You've got your own CDs and videos. You fill stadiums in London and Brazil and produce new talent. Your videos get played at clubs all over the world and your music shows up on TV commercials and movies. Your uncle asks if you know Moby and you roll your eyes.