"Hey, my name is 'Bo, I love swimming in circles and feeding on insect pupa. And yes, this is a current photo."

You might hatch a plan, batten down a hatch, or drive a hatchback, but hatching a fish? Surely this is more of a job for a chicken, right? Au contraire...there are oceans of determined folks out there who spend their days, nights, and sometimes weekends tending to baby fish. Fish hatchery workers are out there checking the water, dispensing food, measuring growth, and tucking the fish in at night. When the kids grow up, there's usually a hatchery worker on hand to find them nice girl and boy fish. It's a little like working for Match.com.

Hatcheries range in size from huge government facilities to small family-owned businesses. They provide a reliable supply of food year-round, so farmers and fisheries can count on a steady supply. Their slippery bundles of joy go to a variety of different homes. Some are destined to populate streams for sport fishermen, some are sent out to beef up lagging fish populations in the wild, and other fish are reared to adulthood for commercial fish farms.

Working at a hatchery will probably net you around $30k-$40k a year. But what can you expect to be doing to earn that moolah?

Well, fish (like elephants and even babies) need to be fed. You might feed them by hand (can we have a turn, too? Please?) or by flipping a switch so a machine does it for you. You might tag wild migrating fish with a microchip so the hatchery can track their every move...a little creepy, but all in the name of science (source). Depending on how you feel about caviar, maybe you'll be the one to squeeze eggs and sperm out of the fish to fertilize new eggs. How romantic.

Also those tanks aren't going to clean themselves, so grab a scrubber and get your hands dirty.

Hatching fish spend the first two weeks of their existence in a temperature-controlled incubator, and then head to a roomier tank, pond, or cage, where they receive a special diet and care (source). When they reach the three-inch "fingerling" stage, they're moved to an even bigger locale until they reach the desired ten-inch length, the legal catching size (source). Then, it's the hatchery's job to get the fish to the client. Fortunately, hatcheries provide door-to-door delivery...sort of like your local pizza parlor; only these anchovies are still alive. Usually this involves cross-country transport in a refrigerated truck, and sometimes a dramatic "air-drop" delivery into the middle of a body of water (source). Neato.

But what if grunt work's not your style? You want to start a private fish hatchery from scratch, huh? It might be worth your while to connect with an aquaculture consultant. He or she can help you with crucial details like what species to focus on, and where to locate your operation. Whatever your plan, it's a good idea to start small until you get your sea legs.

All set up and ready to go? Wow, that was easy.

Now, let's buy some fish. We're taking for granted that you already know all about your chosen fish...dietary needs, breeding habits, growth rates, common diseases, and how high it likes the thermostat. For our purposes here, we shall name this imaginary fish the shmooper (like the grouper, but really smart). Look up a shmooper hatching facility, and order 250 shmooper fingerlings (baby fish that are about two to three inches long) at a buck a pop. Then, you have to feed them...which is easily the biggest ongoing cost in fish farming. Seriously, the food is usually calculated in tons, and they're not even teenagers yet (source). Your wee little fish will take a little over a year to grow up, and this might set you back around $800 in chow.

Let's say 150 of your original 250 fish are still alive. Maybe 90 of them are female, and 80 females spawn successfully. Shmoopers lay around 300 eggs a piece, so that's 24,000 lil' fish eggs in your tanks. After endless burping, diapering, and nighttime feedings, 15,000 of them make it to fingerling size. They grow up so fast. Now, take those little piggies to market, and sell them for the same dollar price at which you bought yours—$15,000. Transporting them to their new home in a refrigerated, oxygenated tanker truck costs $1,000. So that leaves you with $14,000, and a $11,950 profit. Not too bad, especially when you consider that your females can spawn up to six times a year. But how are you going to put all of those fish through college?

You've got to help them find their place in the world after all.

Grrr...

Fish farming is a hot-button issue to many who worry about its effects on wildlife and the environment (source). One concern is that genetically altered fish will escape into the wild and corrupt free range populations. It's a little like releasing a schnoodle into a forest. It's been carefully bred to be the perfect house pet, expecting organic high protein meals twice a day and a top of the line doggie bed. Were it to breed with a wolf, you might start to see fluffier, less aggressive wolves. Deer populations would swell (except for those who died of laughter at the sight of their funny-looking predators) and the pure wolf strain would become diluted and vanish (ruining fairy tales everywhere). Or, you might see a superbreed of champion "schwolvoodles," who would reproduce like rabbits and eat up everything in sight. Then there'd be no food for the bobcats and pumas.

Fish-raising facilities themselves can put a strain on the environment, especially if they are located in waters near wild populations. Fish love to poop, and large quantities of their waste will pollute watersheds.

Another issue to tackle is the problem of where these hungry fish get their food. Ironically, tons of wild fish are caught and ground up into food for captive stock. Solving this vicious cycle involves tweaking the food supply, and finding alternatives to wild-caught fish meal.

When it comes to fish exports, China and India are top of the food chain (source). But don't feel like you've got to move across the world to be successful in fish growin'. America might be new to the seafood-raising game, but we're making waves already. Catfish is the top choice, but rainbow trout and tilapia are also popular in the states. Shellfish are also a big deal, as enthusiastic oyster shuckers will tell you (source). Salmon is one of the more popular girls at the fish-farming party, partly because of yumminess, and partly because of their big, obvious eggs (source). This really cuts down on those, "Nobody move, I dropped my fish embryo" moments.

If personally raising fish isn't your end-goal but you'd still like to get your hands all over these slippery guys, there are a few other options to pursue as well.

You might want to check out a career as an aquaculture veterinarian. You would monitor fish health and step in with a plan of action if you see an issue (source). Or you could go into microbiology and genetics to breed a perfect cod. You could also work on the engineering side of things, finding better systems to keep the fish and their surrounding environment healthy. Another option is being a water quality technician. Imagine being the one to say, "Come on in, the water's at acceptable levels of ammonia contamination."

Livin' the dream.

• More