Marriage and Family Therapist
You lost it in your very first professional session. A kid was climbing onto your desk and you let loose a string of profanities the poor boy had never even heard when stumbling upon his parents' HBO channel. You'll be hearing from their lawyers.
You work in a rehabilitation center for recovering alcoholics, helping them through issues with their significant others and children. It's rewarding when you have a success, but they are few. Most of these individuals keep going back to the bottle, no matter how badly they want to quit. And they are uninterested about your theory that it means they subconsciously wish they were still nursing.
You have a small private practice and specialize in couples therapy. Which is strange, considering you haven't had a relationship yourself that has lasted more than four months. Ah well, at least you can live vicariously through your patients. You've even been invited to be a bridesmaid in one of their weddings. Maybe you'll meet someone at the reception.
You are employed by the state government as a mental health professional, meaning you make more bank than most others in your field. You always thought it would entail being surrounded on both sides by secret service agents, but alas—your job is not quite that exciting.
You host a popular Dr. Phil-style show on ABC in which you help troubled teens connect with their parents. Somehow, the answer about half the time is for all of them to play Wii Mario Karts together. Thank you, Nintendo, for preserving nuclear families since 1985.