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Bell Curve


Small-Time Crook. Salary: $1,000,000 

You've opened your own independent mafia. Starting out small seems like a great idea, especially when you get a dozen or so underlings to believe in your message. Your goons head out to conduct crime on your behalf. While they're off, you turn back to your other money-maker: your online Etsy store.


Two-Timing Thief. Salary: $10,000,000 

You head up a small but busy family in Cleveland. Everything seems to be going well until one of your capos decides to threaten the defensive line of the Cleveland Browns football team. Suddenly you're the one on defensive as the only guys in town bigger than your guys start knocking on your door.


Big Shot in a Small Town. Salary: $50,000,000 

Having become involved in a lot of shady dealings, you know which deals are the best for you. Your "take" in all of the Tri-State Areas' tree services and generator manufacturers turns out to be a windfall for you—both literally and figuratively—as yet another massive blizzard breezes into town. Talk about knowing your market.


A Number One. Salary: $100,000,000 

This year you're hosting the annual get-together of all the mob bosses in the region. This is a big responsibility, as you'll be responsible for hundreds of mafiosos from all over this part of the country. Everything comes very close to being totally ruined when one of your underbosses gets the date wrong and you almost reserve the camp the same weekend as the police retreat. That would have been embarrassing.


The Don. Salary: $500,000,000 

Your consigliere, with the support of your capos and soldiers, nominates you for the worldwide "Don of the Year" award. The red carpet is one of the best they've ever had—although there aren't any cameras around, obviously. You lose—just barely—to Donald Trump. It's not your fault; he wins every year.