Dr. Fanny Patootie gets her butt out of bed at 6am and pulls up outside Healthy Hiney Medical Center by 7 (she parks in the rear, of course).
The first thing she does is check with the girls at reception to collect any messages that have been left for her, and then with her assistant to see what her day looks like. After being informed of her schedule, she goes to her office to return any calls that are of a more…sensitive nature.
"Hello?" says the first patient Dr. Patootie calls.
"Hi, Karen? This is Dr. Patootie. I see you called?"
"Yeah, hi…I just had a question. When I saw you yesterday you told me I had an anal fissure."
"Well, I've been on WebMD…."
Uh boy. What Dr. Patootie wouldn’t give to send that website hurtling into outer space. It's chock-full of good information, but it's probably responsible for doubling the number of paranoid hypochondriacs in the world.
"It says I could have colon cancer."
"You don't have colon cancer, Karen. We looked into that possibility when we reviewed the results of your colonoscopy. You're clean. All you have is a slight anal fissure that was most likely the result of passing a large or harder than average stool.”
"A poop, Karen. A harder than average poop."
She still doesn't sound convinced, but Dr. Patootie can't spend all day easing her patient's mind. She understands the reasons so many people get wigged out about what their symptoms might mean, but she does wish more of them would accept her professional diagnosis at face value.
Dr. Patootie's first appointment is a referral from a physician—an elderly man who has been experiencing extreme discomfort during bowel movements. He is a new patient, so the doctor meets with him in her office first, to go over his medical history and make him feel at ease (or as much as possible). Soft, leather chairs and dusty old medical books tend to make people feel more relaxed than sitting half-naked on a sheet of butcher paper. Go figure.
"I can't seem to locate a heartbeat...."
However, once their initial meeting is out of the way and Dr. Patootie has gotten all the information she needs, to the butcher paper he goes.
"Okay, Mr. Tochus," says Dr. Patootie. "I just need you to lay back, and turn on your side, away from me…."
Mr. Tochus does as he is instructed, although it takes him about 45 seconds to accomplish the feat.
"I'm just going to insert a couple of fingers and see if I can find the source of the discomfort, okay?"
Mr. Tochus nods silently.
Sometimes there are no words. Dr. Patootie dons a pair of latex gloves and covers two fingers of her right hand with lubricant. She still remembers the first time she ever had to do this, before it became second nature and she no longer flinched. Her dry heaving days are well behind her now.
She feels around for about a minute, making note of any physical irregularities, as well as Mr. Tochus’ physical reactions.
"Okay, you have some internal hemorrhoids," says Dr. Patootie. "I'm going to go ahead and prescribe you something for those, as well as a laxative that should help you produce some softer, less painful stools. However, I would like to have you come in for a colonoscopy so we can make sure there's nothing else going on in there."
"This will only hurt for a second...."
Mr. Tochus nods, again silent. The only thing worse than having two fingers up his rear end is having a camera inserted into it. For all he knows, this thing is going to wind up on the YouTube.
Dr. Patootie tends to a number of other patients throughout the morning, afternoon, and even into the evening. She works a long day.
One patient she sees for a case of fecal incontinence, meaning he can’t control when he…goes number two. She prescribes Imodium, which should help to solidify matters. If that doesn’t work, she advises him there is a chance they may have to perform a colostomy, after which he would have his BM's redirected to a pouch that is located outside his body. Gives the term "fanny pack" a whole new meaning.
Another patient has to have a doorknob removed from their anus. He claims it was an accident, but how he fell backwards onto a doorknob—while naked, mind you—is not a circumstance that Dr. Patootie wants to think about overly much. However it happened, her job is to remove it without disrupting any of the weirdo's internal wiring. The operation is successful, and the man's door to future health and well-being has been opened.
Finally, Dr. Patootie has to perform a surgical procedure to remove a cancerous growth on a patient's colon. This operation is also successful—at least, it seems that way for now. They will have to wait and see…more tests will be run, and hopefully they nipped this thing in the butt.
It’s past 7pm before Dr. Patootie finally finishes up with her last patient. She is exhausted…time to get her buns home and into bed.