Fame

So you want to get your name out there, huh? First, let's cover the obvious. You're going to need to be really, really good at football. Second, you should ideally be really, really ridiculously good looking with all the photogenic genius of a more athletically-inclined Derek Zoolander.

Third, you should give a lot of thought to your name itself. If you want people to know your name, clearly it helps to have some variation of "Ronaldo" in your name à la Cristiano Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, or, ahem, Ronaldo. You can also take a page out of Ronaldo's playlist, which he shares with Madonna, and refer to yourself by just one name. Make it additionally easy on your future fans by restricting yourself to two-syllable names, such as Pele and Kaka.

If all else fails, make like Zinedine Zidane and head-butt your way to international celebrity. Desperate times call for desperate measures.