INT. WRITERS' ROOM - AFTERNOON:

MELANIE, 34, drapes herself across a couch, gnawing on a stale Red Vine. We ZOOM OUT to see that she's surrounded by 10 OTHER INDIVIDUALS, all doing the same thing. They stare at a blank whiteboard, stumped. 

MELANIE
What are we gonna do?

WRITER #1
When's lunch coming?

Melanie looks at her cell phone.

MELANIE
Not for another 20 minutes.

WRITER #2
(motioning to a bucket)
We could try to finish these Red Vines. That should kill at least 10 minutes.

MELANIE
Good idea.

And as all of the writers reach for the bucket of Red Vines...

INT. WRITERS’ ROOM - LATER:

CHYRON: 4 Hours Later...

Melanie and her 10 fellow writers stare at the same blank whiteboard, still chewing on Red Vines.

MELANIE
We need a story, man.

WRITER #1
I've got nothing.

WRITER #2
We could call my kid again.

MELANIE
Her last idea was pretty uninspired.

WRITER #2
Lay off. She's five.

Melanie glances at the blank whiteboard and then at her phone. She looks at Writer #2, defeated.

MELANIE
Get her on the phone.

Writer #2 dials his daughter....

FADE OUT:

Do you like to write? Do you like TV? Do you like eating copious amounts of junk food? Well then, can we interest you in a career as a TV writer? Great.

But here's the deal—working in TV isn't what it used to be. Yes, the money's good, but it's not like it used to be, and it's probably never going to be again. With all of the other media outlets, TV just isn't the moneymaker it once was, and frankly, that Seinfeld money just doesn't exist anymore.

Seinfeld created a wild economy that Dr. Evil would have been proud of. Even though the final episodes of Seinfeld aired in 1998, the head honchos (Larry David and yes, Jerry Seinfeld) still rake in hundreds of millions of dollars a year just from the show being in syndication.

Fast-forward to the TV landscape of today, and you'll find the top dogs at the Big Bang Theory making $100 million. But the producers for the 10th best show today will only bring in about $10 million. Factor in taxes in California and you're looking at something closer to $4.3 million, plus the additional fees paid out to agents and managers. A pretty penny? Yes. A retirement home on the beach in Malibu? Not quite.

Money not a deterrent? Still can't think of any other career you might want? Well then, let's get into it....

Hollywood is a weird place teeming with insecure egomaniacs. So unless you're one of those insecure egomaniacs or can think of no career for yourself other than writing for the small screen, only then should you pursue this path. And even so, you should probably consider thinking twice—or even thrice.

Don't get us wrong, being a TV writer can be a rewarding and lucrative career, but only for a select few. Most writers spend the majority of their careers unemployed, hoping to land on a hit show—or to be honest, any show, really.

For those who make it, being a TV writer means working with smart peeps, earning a pretty nice paycheck, and getting your voice heard by millions. It's a creative and engaging job, and a great gig for those with an appetite for words.

Do you love telling stories? Do you constantly dazzle your friends with puns and other word play? Do you enjoy turning your friends and family into characters? If this sounds like you, then writing for TV may be right up your creative alley. Unfortunately, getting there isn't exactly a piece of Funfetti cake—but if you do get there it's just as delicious.

Making it as a writer involves a whole lot of luck—like a pot of it. It's not quite a potluck, although we're fond of those too. To make it as a TV writer, you've also got to have the right people behind you—a cutthroat agent, a well-connected manager, and friends in high places. Of course, a bit of talent doesn't hurt, but it’s not everything. There are tons of talented writers who will never find themselves in a writers' room or pitching to a room full of judgy executives.

This isn't because of a lack of talent. It's because it's impossible to get your material read unless you already have an agent or manager. And it is impossible to get an agent or manager unless you've already had your material read. And herein lies the problem.

Frustrating? Yes. But don’t fret, friend. If you're willing to work your little tookus off, both creatively and socially, perhaps you'll be one of the lucky few to end up in the right place, at the right time. May the force to not give up be with you.

If you do make it, you better be flexible. For a TV writer, no day is the same. If you're staffed on a show, good for you. You have a steady source of income for the time being. When working on a show, you'll spend your days breaking stories and going off on script, all between procrastinating on couches with your co-workers. But every show is run differently, and the day-to-day is determined by the producers, executives, and so on.

If you're not on a show, life is much more difficult. Will you get staffed? Ever? Seriously? When will the next gig come along? Will you sell your pitch that you've invested the last six months of your life developing for no pay? If you don't get staffed or sell your pitch, how will you pay your rent? Or more importantly, how will you finance your daily peanut butter fro-yo fix?

Just be aware that much of your life will be spent worrying, eating your feelings, and questioning your self-worth. And if you've also got a family to support, well good luck with that.

The good news is that anyone can be a writer. You just have to be willing to learn the format and endure the lifestyle. Everyone has a story to tell, you just have to be passionate enough to want to tell it. Of course, there are things that must be learned, like proper formatting, writers' room etiquette, and how to pitch stories, but these are all things that can be learned along the way. The bad news is that very few people make money doing any of the above because...

TV writing is highly competitive. There are few slots for a whole army of talented writers looking to make a name for themselves. Your mom may tell you that you're a magical, unique snowflake, but it doesn't snow in Hollywood. Sorry.

Being a TV writer is filled with ups and downs—well, mostly downs. If this is really what you want for yourself, then you're going to have to step up your game by networking and going out there and meeting people. Lucky for you, you can start early.

At the college-level, the University of Southern California is highly respected as an industry school, churning out some of Hollywood's top dogs. USC is located in Los Angeles, the heart of the entertainment industry. If you're set on pursuing a career in TV, you'll end up in L.A. or NYC, where all of the industry jobs are.

Another benefit of attending USC is the alumni base. USC has produced an endless list of Hollywood greats, and students often have access to these coveted alums, giving them an advantage over their less connected counterparts.

That being said, there is no one route to becoming a TV writer, which turns out is both a blessing and a curse. There are opportunities all over the place. But the path you choose is a gamble—there are no guarantees. It's like Vegas, except what happens in L.A. gets broadcast to millions of people all over the world.

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