Setting: The True 102.2 radio station studio where Cupid hosts "Love Talk" every Thursday night at 6pm. Cupid is alone with headphones, in front of a huge mic.
Cupid: Hey folks, it's your love doctor here, the one and only King of the Mojo. I know you're out there listening, so be sure to call in with your deepest, darkest questions about love, sex, and desire. I'm here to lend an ear.
First, though, let's check our mail. I've been getting lots of letters from you nosy people asking about my past. But I do love talking about myself.
Everybody knows I'm the son of Aphrodite. It makes sense, right? Love gave birth to desire. But I'm not too sure about who my dad is. Ares, god of war, is the closest thing to a dad I've ever had. And by a "dad," I mean someone who hangs around our house all the time, eating all of our ambrosia, drinking all of our nectar, burping, and then passing out. He's charming.
There are also rumors that Hermes or Zeus might also be my dad. Hey, I'd be stupid to deny being related to the king of the gods or to his right-hand man. I'm gonna milk that for all it's worth. (Zeus always looks worried whenever I'm around, like he's hoping I won't ask him for money.)
Mom doesn't really remember when or where I was born. She's not so good with details. No birth certificate or anything. I may have even been born at the same time she was born, out of sea foam. She's more like a sister to me, anyway.
Some people think that Iris, the rainbow, and Zephyros, the west wind, are my parents too. Everyone wants to claim me. Can I blame them? No, I cannot. I'm awesome.
You know what I think? I think I emerged from the primordial ooze of nothingness, shouting, "What's up world, it's party time!" I'm one of a kind.
Cupid laughs devilishly.
Ok, folks, now it's time to hear some of your questions. Call in. I'm not gonna be here all night. Time's a-wastin'.
We have Agape Drakos of Cyprus on the line. What's your question, Agape?
Agape: Hi Cupid! I'm a huge fan.
Cupid: Well, thanks, babe. What can I help you with tonight?
Agape: Um, well, I've been dating this guy for a really long time. He's got an awesome job – he's a weaver. He's got plans to go into city government, etc. My mom loves him and is always like, "When am I going to get my grandbabies?" SO EMBARASSING. My friends love him, my goat loves him—
Cupid: Agape? Can I just stop you right there?
Cupid: It's great that everyone loves Mr. Right, but do you? Because it sounds to me like Mr. Right is not lighting your fire. And if he's not lighting your fire, then he's not Mr. Right.
Cupid: Agape? Are you there? Did I lose you?
Agape: No, I'm here. I'm just overwhelmed and confused. What's the point of being in a relationship? Isn't it about the stability and the sense of family and stuff?
Cupid: To some people, yes, stability is very important. But, personally, I don't know how stable a relationship can be if there's no fire. Mojo, Agape, it's all about the mojo. Are you neglecting your mojo in order to make everyone else around you happy? Life is short, and there's a lot of fun to be had.
Agape: I know you're right, but it will be such a disaster if I end our relationship. His heart will break, and everyone will be so confused. I just don't think I can handle disappointing everyone.
Cupid: This is your happiness we're talking about, Agape. Besides, whether I was born out of union between the goddess of love and the god of war, or whether I was born out of primordial chaos, one thing's for certain: you can't have love without war. You can't have order without chaos. You can't have shadow without light. It's the yin and the yang, baby.
You think about that, Agape, while I introduce our next fifteen minutes of love jams.
Whether you're home alone, in your chariot, or snuggling with your honey at hearth, give me a call.
And now, here's a little Patsy Cline for you. She's singing "Your Cheatin' Heart."