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Deucalion

Deucalion

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Interview with Deucalion

As the survivor of the great deluge and the guy who repopulated the Earth afterward, Deucalion is a pretty famous figure down in Elysium, the city of the blessed dead. It's no wonder that the popular magazine, Inside Elysium, wanted to have a sit down with him. Of course, we're guessing that Deucalion wasn't too happy with the results of the interview. 

INSIDE ELYSIUM

Interviewer: Hi, Deucalion. Thanks for sitting down with us.

Deucalion: My pleasure.

Interviewer: So how does it feel to be the only survivor of the great deluge?

Deucalion: I wasn't the only one. There was my wife, Pyrrha, as well.

Interviewer: Of course, of course. I bet you two were pretty close after an ordeal like that.

Deucalion: To say the least.

Interviewer: What do you tell your detractors out there who say you didn't do enough to help everyone else in the world?

Deucalion: Do people say that?

Interviewer: I just saw a Tweet about it. And I quote: "Why's everybody think Deucalion's such a hero? He didn't do anything to save me and my family. He could've built a bigger chest so that we could float along with him."

Deucalion: I mean, I'm sorry, but he and his family were probably evil, so they had to die.

Interviewer: Wow, that's a really strong statement.

Deucalion: Look, Pyrrha and I were allowed to live because we were the only good people left on earth. Zeus decided that, not me.

Interviewer: Didn't you feel bad about it all?

Deucalion: Of course, but I couldn't do anything about it.

Interviewer: So you're a god-fearing man, huh?

Deucalion: To say the least. When you've seen the gods destroy every human on earth, you become god-terrified.

Interviewer: And you're a big fan of Zeus?

Deucalion: We all kind of have to be, don't we?

Interviewer: Did you think it was good when he had your dad, Prometheus, tortured for years as punishment for giving fire to man? Did you think it was good that he tricked your mother-in-law Pandora into opening a jar that released all evil into the world?

Deucalion: He's the king of the gods. We just have to bow down to his will.

Interviewer: I'm beginning to see why he saved you.

Deucalion: Look, Pyrrha and I rebooted the whole human race once we landed on top of Mt. Parnassus.

Interviewer: Why don't you tell our readers how you came to do that?

Deucalion: Well, we gave thanks to Zeus, and then prayed to a statue of Themis.

Interviewer: Ah ha! Themis! The Titan goddess of justice! Does this mean that you're a secret Titan sympathizer?!

Deucalion: Zeus is cool with Themis even if she is a Titan. She was his first wife, you know.

Interviewer: You think you're so smart.

Deucalion: Why are you being so antagonistic?

Interviewer: It's my job to ask the tough questions.

Deucalion: I thought this was going to be a puff piece. I read that article you did on Hector, and you made him seem great.

Interviewer: What can I say? My editor is on my butt to spice it up a bit. Just tell us how you started humanity up again.

Deucalion: Well, Themis gave us a prophecy saying that we had to throw the bones of our mother over our shoulders in order to populate the world again.

Interviewer: And you did that?! Shocking! How can you live with yourself?!

Deucalion: Can you cut the crap, please? We figured out she was talking about Gaia, the Earth, mother of us all.

Interviewer: So, you killed her and threw her bones. Awful, awful...

Deucalion: We just picked up some rocks and tossed them over our backs. The ones I threw turned into men, and the ones Pyrrha threw turned into women.

Interviewer: Or so you say.

Deucalion: Okay, I'm out of here.

Interviewer: Wait, we're not done.

Deucalion: I'm done. You're a jerk.

Interviewer: What do you tell the people who say that none of this ever happened? That you stole the idea from Noah or Utnapishtim or Manu or one of those other guys who built an ark to escape the giant flood?!

Deucalion: People can believe whatever they want to.

Interviewer: But...

Deucalion: Please, never call me again.

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