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Interview with Dionysus (Bacchus)

The following is a transcript of Dionysus' first and only session with Doctor Logos, renowned psychoanalyst.

DIONYSUS: I just don't see why I'm here.

DR. LOGOS: I think you know why you're here, Dionysus.

DIONYSUS: This is ridiculous.

DR. LOGOS: Is it, though?

DIONYSUS: I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me.

DR. LOGOS: I never said there was.

DIONYSUS: Why are you smiling at me like that?

DR. LOGOS: Was I smiling?


DR. LOGOS: Hmmmm.

The sound of Dr. Logos' pencil scratching on paper as he writes.

DIONYSUS: What are you writing?

DR. LOGOS: Observations.

DIONYSUS: Of what?

DR. LOGOS: What do you think?

DIONYSUS: I'm not crazy. I don't care what they say. I'm perfectly fine. I'm perfectly stable.

DR. LOGOS: Stable?

DIONYSUS: Well, okay, not stable, but purposely unstable, which is its own kind of stability. So there.

DR. LOGOS: Interesting.

The sound of the doctor writing.

DIONYSUS: I'm going to stick that pencil up your nose.

DR. LOGOS: Do you realize that you've threatened me twice now?

DIONYSUS: I'm out of here. I don't care what Zeus says. This is a waste of time.

DR. LOGOS: Do you think your father would've ordered you to talk with me if he thought it was a waste of time?

DIONYSUS: Who cares what he thinks?

DR. LOGOS: I'd be careful. He has very good hearing, you know.

Thunder rumbles somewhere far above.

DIONYSUS: Okay, okay... let's get this over with.

DR. LOGOS: Very good. Now tell me, please, would you say that you have an alcohol problem?

DIONYSUS: I drink a little wine.

DR. LOGOS: A little?

DIONYSUS: Okay, more than a little.

DR. LOGOS: How much more?

DIONYSUS: Gallons, okay?! Geez. I drink gallons and gallons and gallons every night. I'm the god of wine. Isn't that kind of my job?

DR. LOGOS: It isn't my place to say.

DIONYSUS: I really don't like you. Like, really.

DR. LOGOS: Interesting.

The sound of writing.

DR. LOGOS: Tell me, would call yourself a violent god?

DIONYSUS: No, not at all.

DR. LOGOS: Really?

DIONYSUS: Well, I have had a few people, you know, torn apart... Pentheus and what not. And I did... you know... oppress most of India to my will.

DR. LOGOS: Would you say that oppression was achieved through violence?

DIONYSUS: How the heck else would you oppress somebody? This is crazy! Why doesn't Zeus make Ares come in here? Talk about violence! Why is Zeus picking on me?

DR. LOGOS: Your father cares about you very much, Dionysus.

DIONYSUS: Yeah, right.

DR. LOGOS: He's never done anything to show he cares?

DIONYSUS: Well, he did give birth to me.

DR. LOGOS: Interesting, could you elaborate?

DIONYSUS: Ugh, fine. Long story short: my mother, Semele, was having an affair with him. When his actual wife Hera found out, she flipped out. She tricked my mother into getting Zeus to reveal himself to her in a kind of, well, dangerous form.

DR. LOGOS: And what form might that be?

DIONYSUS: Thunder and lightning. Mom got obliterated. She was already pregnant with me, though, and the fire kind of pushed me out a bit early. So Dad took tiny me and sewed me into his thigh until I was ready to be born.

DR. LOGOS: Interesting. And how did that make you feel?

DIONYSUS: Um, totally messed up? How would it make you feel, for crying out loud? I mean, my mom got blown up, so then my dad became my mom, too. Talk about daddy issues.

DR. LOGOS: Hmm. Did you have any other traumatic childhood experiences?

DIONYSUS: Well, Hera had me ripped apart by Titans when I was a baby. No big deal.

DR. LOGOS: Oh, dear. I would certainly categorize that as traumatic.

DIONYSUS: Yeah, I guess. They tore me apart and ate me. Zeus blasted them with some thunderbolts, but by the time he got there, all that was left was my heart. So, he sewed it into his thigh, and I grew again.

DR. LOGOS: Twice born from your father.

DIONYSUS: Yep, that's what they say.

DR. LOGOS: Now tell me, do you think that all this obliteration and dismemberment might have something to do with your habit of dismembering others?

DIONYSUS: Oh, I wouldn't call it a habit.

DR. LOGOS: There was Pentheus, wasn't there? And aren't your female followers... what is it you call them?

DIONYSUS: Maenads.

DR. LOGOS: Yes, the Maenads. Aren't they known for running around and ripping apart animals, and sometimes men and even children?

DIONYSUS: They do get a bit carried away on occasion.

DR. LOGOS: A bit?

DIONYSUS: Don't judge me.

DR. LOGOS: It's not my place to judge you, Dionysus.

DIONYSUS: But you are. I can tell.

DR. LOGOS: We're only here together because people are worried about you. Your wife, Ariadne, your father, Zeus, the great god Pan--

DIONYSUS: Pan? Pan is worried about me? Do you know the kind of crazy stuff that hairy little guy does? You should come to one of our Bacchanals and you'll see. Pan! He and Silenus... all of those Satyrs... they're completely out of control. Half the time, I'm the voice of sanity.

DR. LOGOS: Forgive me, Dionysus, but you just don't have a reputation for sanity.

DIONYSUS: Fine. Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm not sane at all. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I drive other people crazy, too. But maybe, just maybe, that's okay. Have you ever thought about that? Huh? Have you ever thought that the world needs a little madness? That if there weren't a god like me around, the world would be a totally boring place? People need to let loose once in a while. People need to express themselves. People need to dance and shout and scream. I am inspiration. Without me, humans wouldn't be able to tap into that animal wildness inside them. And they need that, Dr. Logos. It's necessary. I'm necessary. Do you hear me?! I... am... necessary. Don't you see that?

DR. LOGOS: Interesting.

The sound of writing.

DIONYSUS: I need a glass of wine.

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