Finn mac Cool: Good morning, everyone. My name's Finn mac Cool and you're listening to "Irish in the Morning" on WILD AM radio.
Today's show is all about… me! We're going to have all my old friends and enemies calling in to chat about the legend that is Finn mac Cool, warrior of the Fianna.
Our first caller is my first wife, Sadb. Hey, baby, what's shakin'?
Sadb: Hey, Finny. How's my favorite warrior prince?
Finn: I'm good, I'm good. So, for those who don't know out there, tell everyone how we met and fell in love.
Sadb: Well, when I was a teen, I was turned into a deer by an evil Druid. It was a real challenge to stay alive and not get torn apart by hunting dogs or eaten by a wild animal.
One day, I was being chased by a pair of dogs that looked particularly vicious. Little did I know that they were smarty-pants pups who were actually once humans themselves! They were born as Finn's cousins, but got turned into dogs and became his hunting hounds. They were about to catch me, but they realized that we had something in common—they figured out I wasn't a real deer. Finn figured it out, too, and I was transformed back into a woman. Then we fell in love, got married, and I popped out our son, Oisin.
Finn: Pretty romantic, huh? I owe my cousin-dogs a lot of credit for that one.
Sadb: Yeah, you do. Eventually, I turned back into a deer—those blasted Druid spells!
Finn: I kept searching and searching for her, but could only find our son, Oisin. I kept her memory alive with our enDEERing kid. Get it? Endeering?
Okay, next up, we have my ex-best friend, Diarmaid.
Diarmaid: How's it going, man? I'm calling in from the Otherworld here, but I'm sure you know that… considering it's your fault I'm here!
Finn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast, pal. If you hadn't stolen my fiancée from me in the first place, none of this would have even happened and we'd still be playing hurley together every Saturday morning.
I'm in a generous mood today, though, so I'll let you tell your side of the story first.
Diarmaid: [sarcastically] Thanks. For those of you out there who aren't familiar with my story, my name's Diarmaid and I was a warrior of the Fianna. Finn and I were best friends, but it's not my fault that he got engaged to a real hottie. Grainne was gorgeous—she still is, by the way—and Finn was getting up there in years. The only reason Grainne was going to marry him was because he was a famous fighter and her father, the High King, wanted Finn as an ally.
I knew I could be just as good a warrior as Finn, given a chance, so I took my shot with Grainne. She fell in love with me as soon as she saw how buff I was and what a sportsman I was. When I scored three goals in hurley against Finn, who could barely even keep up, I had her.
Finn: Whoa! We have Grainne on Line 2. Grainne, is that you?
Grainne: It sure is. I can't believe I still have to defend myself to you and everyone else after all this time. You were old and ugly and Diarmaid was young and hot. What's to understand?
Diarmaid: Besides, it's not like I just ran away with her willy-nilly. I did have a crisis of conscience of sorts. I didn't hook up with her right away or something. It took a lot of convincing for me to finally run away with her.
Grainne: Yeah. And you seem to have been the only one with the problem, Finn. I mean, my dad would have liked us to have gotten married, but the rest of the Fianna didn't seem to care much that Diarmaid and I eloped. Even Oisin, your son, wasn't mad.
Finn: You have no right to go there, Grainne! You were supposed to be my wife, the mother of my children. Instead, you went and ran off with the first guy who flashed his six-pack at you. You're no better than evil Queen Medb of Connacht!
Grainne: I can't say I even mind being compared to her. She was a powerful woman who wanted to take her destiny into her own hands. There are worse things I could be called.
Diarmaid: So, we ran away. Big deal. You didn't have to come chase us down like deer—oops! [laughs] Besides, you hunted me down and killed me, Finn! What kind of friend does that?
Finn: What kind of friend steals his friend's fiancée? You were lucky I even let you get that far. So I had access to healing waters, but didn't use them to save you. Big whoop.
Grainne: Everyone says that I mourned Diarmaid for about five minutes after that, then went to live with you, Finn. I'm leaving it up to the listeners to decide, though. What woman would go and marry her ex who killed the love of her life?
Finn: That's all we have for today, folks. Thanks so much to Sadb for calling in and thanks not-so-much for Diarmaid and Grainne's chit-chat. Next time, we'll be interviewing Cúchulainn, hero of Ulster. Thanks for listening!