Spy on Freyja’s Message Inbox

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: Please Write Back – Am Worried About You!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Mom,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write back to you. When I arrived in Asgard, Odin sensed my superior breeding, beauty, and character and appointed me mistress of sacrifices and goddess of gold, beauty, love, fertility, gold, war, and death. Needless to say, I've been busy. Obviously, I am the most beautiful woman here, so I've had a lot of suitors. I've decided to accept Óðr. I know you wanted me to stay married to Frey like you did with Dad, but the Aesir gods really don't appreciate incest.

Besides deciding whom to marry, I've been super busy teaching Odin magic. Can you believe that the Aesir gods don't know sorcery? My magical feather dress is already everybody's favorite toy. Before my feather dress, most of the gods of Asgard had to walk from place to place. Ha! Can you imagine?

Anyway, I'd better go. We just received a shipment of slain Vikings, and I've got to pick half of them to populate my new hall.

Love Always,
Freyja

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: What's Up Girl?

Hey! It's so great to hear from you! To answer your question, no, I'm not homesick, although I am seriously bummed about having to leave most of my jewelry back home. I have got a serious craving for some gold bling – I'm sure you can relate. I've heard the dwarves have this amazing necklace called Brisingamen. I wonder if I can convince them to give it to me. Mostly, though, life is good here. My two daughters, Hnoss and Gersemi, are getting more beautiful every day, just like their mama!

You might have heard that the Thor recently tried to force me to marry a giant in exchange for getting his stupid hammer back. I was outraged! You better believe I told him that no way was that going to happen. Good thing I have Odin and the other Aesir gods on my side.

Well, that's all for now, girl. Good luck with your sorcery lessons!

Ciao,
Freyja

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: Óðr

Hello Mom,

No, Óðr hasn't returned yet. I have no idea where he is; no one does. I am so sad that I'm crying tears of gold. I'll let you know if I have any news.

Love,
Freyja

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: Rumors

Hey! Ha ha. OK, yeah, I admit it. The rumors are true. I am sleeping with Odin, plus I slept with those four dwarves. Still, it's not like I don't get anything out of it (which reminds me, you have got to see my new necklace). I mean, Odin is the most powerful god in Asgard. Plus, my husband's been gone for such a long time. The only one who doesn't seem to get that is Loki, the annoying little creep. After all those monster babies he's fathered, where does he get off chastising me like that at Hrungnir's feast? I definitely put him in his place. Dad stood up for me, too – bless his heart.

How's the sorcery going? Let me know if you need any more tips!

Kisses!
Freyja

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Loki

Ugh! I seriously can't stand Loki. He is such a creep. Today, he accused me of sleeping with every god and elf in Asgard. DUH! Get with the picture, Loki. I am the goddess of fertility. My name literally means "lady." I'm femininity incarnate.

I don't see why I should apologize for it. There's nothing wrong with sex – I love myself, I love my body, and I love other gods and creatures. Period. What is he so scared of?

I mean, he's constantly trying to humiliate me, but it won't work. He just spilled the beans about me sleeping with the dwarves. Who cares! (Though, Odin was pretty miffed about that.)

And he's constantly bringing up that time that the gods caught me and my brother in bed together. THAT'S OLD NEWS. My dad said it best when he told Loki that there's nothing wrong with a woman taking a lover, no matter who it is. Besides, Frey and I have stopped sleeping together, since everyone in Asgard seems to be so grossed out by incest.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I needed to get all of that off my chest, since Loki's been a real jerk lately. I'm off to take Pookie for a chariot ride!

xoxoxxx
Freyja