Judge: Themis, Titan Goddess of Justice
Defendant: Gaia, The Earth
Plaintiff: Zeus, King of the Gods
Themis: The court will now recognize the plaintiff, Zeus, King of the Gods.
Zeus: Is this really necessary, Themis?
Themis: You know that it is, Lord Zeus.
Zeus: I'm the King. Why can't I just punish Gaia the way I know she should be punished?
Gaia: Bring it on, sonny-boy!
Themis: Enough. Both of you. If we expect mortals to handle themselves with decorum, then we should do the same. Now, Zeus, if you would kindly state your accusations.
Zeus: My grandmother, Gaia, has totally betrayed me. She helped to raise me, helped my mother, Rhea, hide me from my father, Kronos, who wanted to swallow me like he did my brothers and sisters. And after that, Gaia aided me during the War of the Titans, the war that brought me to power.
Gaia: Sounds like you ought to be kissing my bunions, not taking me to court.
Themis: Mother, please.
Zeus: You sold me out, you traitorous old hag!
Gaia: Old! I may be one of the first beings to pull myself from Chaos, but that doesn't make me old.
Themis: Actually, that does make you old.
Gaia: Nobody asked you!
Themis: Zeus, please continue.
Zeus: I'd only just come to power when you created the Gigantes, those horrible monsters, to come and destroy me and the other Olympians. After my fellow gods and I gave them a beat down, you created Typhon, the biggest, nastiest storm giant of all time, and sent him after us, too. Which of course we defeated...
Gaia: I should be dragging you to court for hurting my beautiful children!
Zeus: Beautiful! Typhon had two huge snakes for legs, and hundreds of hands with hundreds of snakes for fingers.
Gaia: Ah, what a lovely child.
Themis: Enough, enough. Gaia, please state your defense.
Gaia: The reason I sent those giants after Zeus is because he imprisoned Kronos and the other Titans in Tartarus, the deepest pit of the Underworld.
Zeus: Kronos ate all of my brothers and sisters! You helped me to bring him down!
Gaia: Yes, but there's never any need to put anybody in Tartarus. Tartarus is my brother and I love him, but he's also a deep black awful pit that no one should be imprisoned in. Why don't you, King of the Gods, ever learn? It was the same with my first husband, your grandfather, Ouranus, the sky. He imprisoned the Kyklopes and the Hekatonkheries deep inside of me and refused to let them out. So, what did I do? I got my Titan children to hold him down, and I had Kronos, my favorite, castrate Ouranus with sickle.
Zeus: You see! You see, Themis. She's completely psychotic!
Gaia: Themis was there. She knew it was necessary.
Themis: Well, I'm not sure that castration is such a great method of...
Gaia: Bah! It taught Ouranus a lesson, and he's behaved ever since. You'd think that Kronos would have learned how to behave after he took power. But, after all that, he went and imprisoned the Kyklopes and the Hekatonkheries in Tartarus. And on top of that, he had to swallow his own children. And so I brought this little whipper-snapper over here to power.
Zeus: I am no whipper-snapper.
Gaia: I pulled myself from Chaos in the beginning of everything. I am the mother of the sea, the mountains, and the sky. Every god, every mortal being is a descendent of me.
Zeus: What's your point?
Gaia: To me... everybody's a whipper-snapper.
Zeus: Enough of this. Themis, what's her sentence?
Themis: She is the Earth, Zeus. What exactly are we supposed to do to her?
Gaia: Ha! See there.
Zeus: Are you serious? What kind of crap court is this?
Themis: Look, every time she's helped overturn a ruler she's had a good reason for doing so.
Zeus: Even when she tried to do it to me?
Themis: Lord Zeus, with all respect, is it really necessary for the Kronos and the other Titans to be imprisoned in Tartarus? Perhaps you might find a more pleasing place to keep them. The Elysian Islands, perhaps? Hmm? The place where the honored dead go?
Zeus: They have no honor!
Themis: All I ask is that you think about it.
Gaia: Do this Zeus. I helped raise you. I helped bring you to power. I'm your grandmother!
Zeus: I'll think about it.