Gilfaethwy and I were out hunting yesterday when he told me his big secret. He's in love with Goewin, my uncle Math's footbearer. What's a footbearer, you ask, dear readers? I don't really understand why, but Math can't live in the normal world during peacetime unless a chaste maiden holds his feet in her lap. It doesn't make much sense, but that's the deal.
Anyway, Gil's been super-depressed lately—and I confronted him about it today. Even though Math's got uber-awesome hearing, he blurted it out anyway. I hate seeing him so sad, so I came up with what I think was the best solution.
I told him that he could seduce Goewin if Math went away to war. I've got to get him out of Gwynedd. Any ideas? Leave them in the comments.
I've got to give it to myself: I came up with a genius idea to help my brother. I took a detour to go to the neighboring kingdom of Dyfed. I dressed up as a storyteller and spun a magnificent yarn—in exchange, I demanded King Pryderi's prized pigs. That idiot king said he had sworn never to give up the pigs unless he had bred them twice, so I waved my magic wand and conjured up some pretty awesome gifts: stallions, jewelry, and more.
King Pryderi fell for it and gave me the pigs, but his horses disappeared—or, some say, turned into mushrooms. He came running after me like a screaming baby and challenged my uncle to war. Math skipped off to battle and left Goewin behind. I got her and Gilfaethwy alone—and they got groovy.
Somehow, Pryderi figured out I was behind the deception and challenged me to fight him man-to-man. Being the awesome sorcerer that I am, I made myself invisible and killed my opponent.
It's just occurred to me that Math might not be so happy when he finds out that Goewin can't be his footbearer anymore because she's not so chaste. Uh oh.
This sucks. It's a shame that Math is a wizard, too. I guess magic runs in our family. When he found out about Goewin, he called Gil and me "animals" and decided to make it literal. He turned me into a stag and Gil into a doe—a female deer!
That dog told us that we'd have to stay in animal shape for a year and a day, during which time we'd mate. I don't know what to do. Math even hinted that, after this punishment was over, he'd do it again to us—in other animal forms!
August 20, Three Years Later
Ugh. It feels so good to walk on two feet again.
After Gil and I were deer, Math turned us into pigs, then wolves. We were each of the opposite sex and forced to mate, so we had three kids; Math kept them for himself. It's just as well—I'm not ready to settle down yet.
Now that I'm back, I wanted to get in good favor with my uncle. Once he found out about Goewin, he did the "honorable" thing and married her, so he needed a new maiden to hold his feet. I suggested my sister Arianrhod, but of course, Big Sis had to embarrass me in front of the king.
Math went to inspect her to make sure she was a virgin. Ari looked the part, but Math put his magic wand on the floor and asked her to step over it. This trick would tell him if she told the truth of not. When my sister hopped over his wand, two children popped out. Luckily, I was able to grab one of the babies and stuff him in my tunic before Math could see. But the other one ran to the window of the palace and jumped into the sea, earning him the name "Dylan."
Still, Math now knows my sister can't be his footbearer. And more importantly, I'm stuck with raising her kid that I put in my shirt simply because Ari's not the mothering type. Some people say I'm the father of the first kid, but I'm not sure. What am I gonna do?
Twenty Years Later
Wow! I can't believe this blog is still online. So much has happened since I adopted my nephew. His mom was really pissed when she lost the gig as Math's footbearer, so she refused to give her son any of the stuff a mom is supposed to do for her son. I'd go on about that, but you can check that out in my criminal record.
When Math and I got a wife named Blodeuwedd for Lleu—Ari's son I took in—we didn't know the world of trouble she would cause. Lleu and Blodie were happy for a while, but then his wife got a wandering eye and fell in love with their neighbor, Goronwy.
Blodie wanted to get rid of her hubby, so she pretended to be afraid that Lleu would die. She got Lleu to confess the weird circumstances under which he could be killed—in a bathing area with a thatched roof near a river. Oh, and a goat had to be tied up nearby. In order for someone to bump off Lleu, my nephew would have to have one foot on the goat and one on the edge of the bath. The only weapon that could kill Lleu was a spear that took a year to make. Weird, right? But that's what happens when you're in a magical family. Faking concern, Blodeuwedd had Lleu assume that position—then had Goronwy kill him.
When I heard about the behavior of a mysterious boar in the neighborhood, I followed it to a riverbank, where an eagle was perched on a tree. I knew instantly it was Lleu and the boar was protecting him; I turned Lleu back into human form. Once he recovered, we went to war against Goronwy. Lleu turned Blodeuewdd into an owl, a bird that can't ever be seen during the day, and killed Goronwy.
Then we all lived happily ever after—but Lleu still has a problem trusting the ladies.