The fact is that I no longer want to leave, escape, cross the border to freedom. I want to be here, with Nick, where I can get at him. (41.37)
Probably the worst thing about Nick is the way he makes the narrator complacent, lessening her desire to "escape, cross the border to freedom." Being with him, although it's dangerous and can't last, makes her life palatable. But even finding love and desire after a long drought shouldn't stop her from wanting to get out of a place like that.