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Interview with Harpies

For a very brief time, the Harpies actually had their own foodie show on YouTube. It was quickly taken down, though, due to its incendiary nature and graphic content. Luckily, Shmoop was able to obtain a transcript of the pilot episode, so this important window into Harpy psychology will never be lost to the world.

Snatching Food and Pooping on the Scraps, with the Harpies

[Three hideous Harpies soar through the clouds.]

Okypete: Your host Okypete, the Harpy, here for the first ever episode of Snatching Food and Pooping on the Scraps.

Celaeno: Squawk!

Okypete: Oh yes, let me introduce you to my lovely co-hosts, Celaeno and Aello, the best sisters a Harpy could have.

Aello: Hey, everybody!

Okypete: First of all, I don't want anybody out there to think this show is no good just because it's a straight-to-YouTube kind of situation.

Aello: For real.

Okypete: The Food Network told us that the title alone made the show too inappropriate to air.

Aello: Unbelievable! It's a show in which you'll see us steal food from people and then poop on the scraps left behind.

Okypete: Doesn't that make the title completely and totally appropriate?

Celaeno: Squawk squawk Harpy-haters.

Aello: You said it, Celaeno.

Okypete: Absolutely. The world is full of Harpy-haters. Ever since all those ancient writers started saying nasty things about us, we've been totally blackballed.

Aello: Sure, we were torturing that blind seer, Phineus, when Jason and the Argonauts came along, but Zeus is the one who ordered us to do it!

Okypete: What were we supposed to say to Zeus?! It's not our fault that Phineus couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Aello: If he didn't want to get tortured, then maybe he shouldn't have gone around telling everybody so much of their future.

Okypete: It was so unfair when the Boreads chased us away.

Aello: All the way to the Strophades!

Okypete: My wings are still tired.

Celaeno: Squawk Aeneas!

Aello: You said it, Celaeno.

Okypete: Absolutely, Aeneas was even worse than those obnoxious Argonauts.

Aello: He and his men show up on the Strophades, eat all our cattle, and then expect us not to punish them?

Okypete: Next thing we know, Aeneas is sailing all the way to Italy telling everybody he meets that we're ugly and mean.

Celaeno: Squawk injustice!

Okypete: Most def.

Aello: Oh look! We've arrived.

Okypete: Wonderful! Well folks, here we are at what used to be one of our favorite restaurants.

Aello: Big Billy's Country Buffet.

Okypete: We always felt so at home at Big Billy's.

Aello: Until recently, when he put a sign on the door that said "NO HARPIES."

Okypete: Can you believe it?

Aello: Such discrimination in this day and age.

Okypete: I always thought that Big Billy liked us.

Aello: I felt like when we flew into his restaurant, ate all the food, and pooped on the scraps that he knew we meant it as a sign of affection.

Okypete: Well, now he's shown his true colors, and he'll feel our wrath.

Aello: Not only do we plan on eating everything we can and pooping on the rest, but—

Celaeno: Whirlwind squawk!

Aello: That's right Celaeno, we're going to summon a whirlwind to snatch his restaurant from his foundation and hurl it into the sea.

Okypete: How's that for a first episode?

Celaeno: Squawk Food Network!

Aello: Seriously, eat your heart out, Paula Dean. This is what food oriented television was meant to be.

Okypete: Ready, ladies?

Celaeno: SQUAWK!

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