Talk Show Host: Today on Good Day, Memphis, we have Hathor, goddess of love and beauty and many other things. She'll be telling us all about her latest endeavors and what styles of makeup and clothing all Egyptians should be wearing for the dry season. Hathor, welcome!
Hathor: Thank you for having me. Do you mind if I drink?
Host: Not at all.
Hathor: Good. It's Memphis beer.
Host: I'm all for supporting local industry. So Hathor, tell me: what have you been up to lately?
Hathor: Well, we just finished up the annual festival at my temple in Dendera.
Host: Tell me about that.
Hathor: It's a grand old time, when all of my followers drink a lot of alcohol in my honor.
Host: Why do they get drunk to celebrate a goddess?
Hathor: You see, getting drunk here isn't the same as just going to a bar. This kind of drunkenness honors me as goddess of intoxication and ecstasy. It all started a couple thousand years ago when my father, the sun god Ra, sent me to Earth to punish some stupid mortals. See, they were smarter than I thought. They got me drunk and I didn't kill them. Since then, we all celebrate the anniversary of my pacification toward mankind by drinking. A lot.
Host: I'm glad you're drinking, then. I wouldn't want the Eye of Ra to turn on me!
Hathor: Don't worry. I'm good now. [Burps]
Host: Tell us, Hathor, what do you think are the up-and-coming trends for this dry season? I hear the Nile is going to be extra fickle with its floods and there might not be so much water. Are we looking at a full-on drought that's requiring really light clothes?
Hathor: I think sticking to the usual garb would be all right. Linen, if you can find it, is a great fabric.
Host: And how's the family? What's everyone been up to?
Hathor: Not sure. You'd have to ask my son, Horus. Um, or my husband. It's really hard to tell. In fact, I'm worshipped as both Horus's mother and wife in so many different places that I can't even keep it straight.
Host: Is Horus a good son-husband?
Hathor: [rolls her eyes] He's the worst. He gets out of spending quality time together by turning into a hawk as soon as I suggest something like a stroll down the Nile bank. He doesn't respect me—he even called me a "cow"!
Host: But you're the goddess of cows, right? So is that really an insult?
Hathor: I guess not. Maybe. But I had just asked him if my hips looked big in this brand-new linen dress, so it sounds like that idiot just wanted to confuse me.
Host: Now, back to the latest styles. Hathor, what makeup are you loving at the moment?
Hathor: Currently, I'm wearing black kohl as eyeliner. Very chic and very Old Kingdom: kinda retro. The brand is Nile Paradise and the shade is Egyptian Night Sky.
Host: What about for hair?
Hathor: I'm coming out with my own brand of wigs, like all the court ladies are wearing. It's called "Hair by Hathor" and will be debuting in marketplaces across Egypt this fall. I'm really hoping it'll be a big seller. The one I'm wearing now is a model from my line. It's made of real human hair, so no one can tell you're not wearing your own locks.
Host: I know you're also a big-time dancer and musician. Any new tunes or moves?
Hathor: I don't dance as much these days, but I like encouraging my followers to dance at festivals. I've got some top-notch instruments that I use, like the sistrum, which is sort of like a rattle; and my priestesses shake a menat, which is a type of long necklace with beads.
Host: You're the goddess of so many things that it's hard to keep track. What are some of your favorite things to rule over?
Hathor: Besides music, drinking, and dancing? I'd have to say fate. I come in a lot of shapes and sizes, including the "seven Hathors," which are seven cows that figure out what each newborn child's destiny will be. It's a lot of fun assigning different things to each kid—whether he'll be a king or a soldier, who's to say? Oh, that's right, me. Or rather we: the seven of myself.
Host: Well, I can see we're almost out of time. Hathor, any parting words?
Hathor: Yes. Be sure to pick up "Hair by Hathor" in your local cosmetics stall, coming this autumn!
Host: Hathor, thanks so much for coming to visit us. I'll see you at your next festival.
Hathor: Thanks. I hope to see you then. Drunk, of course!
Host: Sure. Up next, what's in your water? The Nile goes under inspection.