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Helios (Sol)

Helios (Sol)

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Home Mythology Helios (Sol) Bureau of the Sun

Bureau of the Sun

When Apollo took over the Bureau of the Sun from Helios, he started making a lot of improvements. He was particularly proud of the new website he instituted, which was complete with a page on which costumers could lodge complaints. Unfortunately, this effort toward better customer service and transparency was short lived as Apollo felt that the complaints page was abused by certain... ahem... former sun gods.

The Bureau of the Sun: Complaints Page

Customer complaint:
This is the hottest summer on record! I wish whoever was driving the sun would keep it a little higher in the sky.

Response from your friendly Sun God Apollo ;)!
Thank you for your concern, dear patron. You should understand, however, that the sun must arc across the sky according to pre-prescribed patterns. Some summers will be hotter than others. That is the way of things.

Customer complaint:
Whoever was driving the sun across the sky yesterday seemed intoxicated. It was swerving all across the sky.

Response from your friendly Sun God Apollo ;)!
I am sorry that you feel this is true, dear patron. However, I assure you that I was flying a course straight and true.

Customer complaint:
The fiery horses that pull the chariot of the sun look sickly. The ASPCA should be alerted. They're clearly not getting the proper amount of flaming hay before they take to the sky in the morning. Are you giving them any flaming hay at all? They're skin and bones! Also, they like to be scratched under the chin before they fly. I bet you never scratch them under the chin at all. Whoever is flying the sun chariot these days is a low-flying, drunken horse abuser.

Response from your friendly Sun God Apollo ;)!
Okay, who is this? Helios, are you the one posting all this up here? If so, you're only embarrassing yourself. Once and for all, the people wanted me as their sun god, not you. You really need to get over it. Maybe if you hadn't let your son, Phaeton, drive the chariot and almost incinerate the entire Earth, then people wouldn't have lost confidence in your abilities. You're washed up just like the rest of the Titans! Why can't you old gods ever learn to bow out gracefully?

Customer complaint:
Hi, Apollo. Ares, God of War. I know we don't hang out a lot or anything, but I just wanted to thank you for that last post. So, yeah, this isn't a complaint at all. Helios was a totally crappy sun god. Such a sniveling weakling. Why was he always so nosy? Just because he was "all-seeing" doesn't mean he had to go telling everybody what he saw. Did he really have to tell Hephaestus that I was sleeping with Aphrodite? Did he really have to tell Demeter that Hades kidnapped Persephone? Whatever, I just want to tell you that you're doing a great job. Things in the Bureau of the Sun have been great since you took over.

Response from your friendly Sun God Apollo ;)!
Wow! Thanks, Ares.

Customer complaint:
Heracles, here. For the record, I don't think we should turn this into a Helios-bashing page. He's a good dude. I never would've been able to take the cattle of Geryon if he hadn't let me borrow his golden cup boat. All I'm saying is, let's take it easy on the old guy.

Response from your friendly Sun God Apollo ;)!
Okay, okay.

Customer complaint:
Apollo looks like a sissy in that golden gleaming armor. Perhaps, the "new and improved" Sun Bureau should consider "new and improved" uniforms.

Response from your friendly Sun God Apollo ;)!
Helios, if this is you, I swear... My armor is just fine. Thanks for your concern.

Customer complaint:
Apollo spat from the sun chariot yesterday, and it landed directly on my old blind grandmother. Then he laughed and said, "That's what you get you stupid old lady. Suffer! Hahahahaha!" My grandmother wept all day and all night. All she could say over and over again was how much better it was when Helios drove the chariot of the sun.

Response from your friendly Sun God Apollo ;)!
I hate you, Helios.

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