Shmoop's crack team of P.I.s recently broke into the offices of Dr. Logos, noted therapist to the gods. The following is a transcript of Hephaestus and Aphrodite's attempt at marriage counseling not long after the infamous incident with Ares.
DR. LOGOS: Welcome, welcome both of you.
HEPHAESTUS: Thank you, doctor. We're glad you could see us on such short notice. Demeter recommended you very highly.
DR. LOGOS: Oh, I'm very pleased to hear that.
APHRODITE: Yeah well, Dionysus said you were a total joke.
DR. LOGOS: Interesting.
APHRODITE: He said his session with you was the most useless thing he's ever done.
DR. LOGOS: Well, I can't account for his opinion.
HEPHAESTUS: Don't embarrass me, Aphrodite. For once, can you not embarrass me?
APHRODITE: Me? Embarrass you? Are you seriously saying that to me right now?
DR. LOGOS: How is it that your husband has embarrassed you?
APHRODITE: Oh, like you haven't heard about it.
DR. LOGOS: Indulge me.
APHRODITE: Whatevs, you know the story.
HEPHAESTUS: I'll tell you, doctor. Since she's going to be hard to get along with... like usual.
DR. LOGOS: Now Hephaestus, this needs to be a safe place.
APHRODITE: Yeah, a safe place. Unlike my bedroom!
HEPHAESTUS: Our bedroom! It's our bedroom! At least it was until you let Ares into it.
DR. LOGOS: I'm understanding that there may have been a case of infidelity.
HEPHAESTUS: To put it mildly. Helios, the sun, told me that my wife had been stepping out with Ares while I was down working at the forge. I couldn't believe it. Ares? That total redneck? Seriously? But Helios insisted it was true, so I made a magic bed to ensnare Aphrodite and her lover.
DR. LOGOS: And then you caught them, I suppose.
APHRODITE: My skin is still scarred from that awful net. You should be ashamed, Hephy!
HEPHAESTUS: I should be ashamed. Me? All the gods of Olympus saw you naked and ensnared with your lover. And I'm the one who should be ashamed? It really must be true that you were born from foam, because you have bubbles for brains.
APHRODITE: [weeping] Oh, Doctor Logos, do you see how he treats me? Is it any wonder... [sniffle] Is it any wonder... [nose blow] Is it any wonder I do the things I do? He's always at work, and when he is home... [big nose blow] Oh, the things he says.
DR. LOGOS: I'm hearing that you feel neglected by your husband.
HEPHAESTUS: I have to work. You should see the backlist of orders I have piled up.
APHRODITE: That doesn't give you an excuse to be mean to me.
HEPHAESTUS: No, you sleeping with every god in town... that's my excuse to be mean to you.
APHRODITE: Oh, like you wouldn't jump in bed with Athena if she gave you half a chance.
HEPHAESTUS: Now, now... things between Athena and me were over a long time ago.
APHRODITE: Yeah, because you're too ugly for her.
DR. LOGOS: Aphrodite, please...
APHRODITE: No! I'm sick of this being an issue. [To Hephaestus] You're just mad because of the way you look. That's why you're in such a bad mood all the time. You're like one of your volcanoes – always about to blow. You're angry, because you're short... and... and lumpy... and you walk with a limp. You're just mad because, of all the gods, you're the only one who was born ugly. So ugly that your mom even abandoned you at birth.
HEPHAESTUS: [weeping] Why did you have to bring up my mother? [sniffle] Why? [big nose blow] I can't help the way I look. I was born this way. Why does everybody hate me because of it? Ohhhh, why me?
The sound of Hephaestus limping from the room.
The door slams.
APHRODITE: You see what I'm dealing with here?
DR. LOGOS: Yes, well. Your husband is a complicated man.
APHRODITE: You know what, Doctor? I have to say I feel a lot better.
DR. LOGOS: I'm pleased to hear it.
APHRODITE: You've done a great job today.
DR. LOGOS: Oh...?
APHRODITE: Your work should be rewarded.
DR. LOGOS: Interesting.