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Interview with Heqat (Heket)

Filming a Commercial

[A director is sitting behind a camera, which is aimed at a frog-headed woman wearing a long green dress and standing behind a table. The table is piled high with stacks of diapers and a brightly colored box that says NEFERU. Various cameramen and assistants are scrambling around behind the director on the busy set.]
Director: Quiet please! Heqat, let's take this from the top. Action!

Heqat: [smiling into the bright lights] Neferu detergent is so powerful, it can wash away everything. Whether it's dirt, disease demons, or those pesky minions of Seth, nothing stands a chance against Neferu's powerful recipe of natron and six sacred herbs. Your child's diapers will be whiter than Osiris's robes! Get some Neferu today.

Director: Cut!

Heqat [looking away from the lights and covering her large eyes with one hand] Was that good?

Director: It's… missing something. I don't know. Makeup! Why is she so shiny?

[A makeup woman walks toward the director.]
Makeup woman: Sir, she's a frog.

Director: And? She's also a goddess.

Makeup woman: Well, frogs are…moist. And shiny. Not much we can do about it.

Director [looking at Heqat] Is that true?

Heqat: Well, I could change into my other face, but then nobody's going to know it's me.

Director: Why not?

Heqat: The frog head is kind of my thing. Without it, I just look like Hathor.

Director: But Hathor is totally hot. Why would that be a problem?

Heqat: [putting her arms on her hips and frowning] Fine, then why don't you get Hathor to do your dumb commercial?

Director: Are you kidding? Hathor's way too expensive. Lady of Gold, remember?

Heqat: Are you suggesting I'm cheap?!

Director: No! Of course not! Cheaper than Hathor, but…

Makeup woman: I think you better shut up, sir.

Heqat: That is it! I'm out of here. [Picks up a pile of diapers and throws them at the camera.] Forget this. I could be helping babies be born instead of being insulted!

Director: If you walk off this set, you'll never work in this town again.

Heqat: If you threaten me one more time, I'll tell Bes and Taweret not to watch your house anymore.

Director: You'd do that?

Heqat: Want to find out?

[The director and Heqat stare at each other for a long time.]
Director: How about a raise?

Heqat: At least as much as you'd pay Hathor.

Director: Sure, sure! Anything you want.

Heqat: And I want a new dress. A red dress.

Director: Someone get this woman a dress! Anything else?

Heqat: The frog head stays.

Makeup woman: Maybe we can change the light filter?

Director: Yes, that's a great idea. Everybody! Let's do this again. One more time. Quiet on the set!

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