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Interview with Nymphs

The Wild World of Nymphs with Silenus the Satyr

[Afternoon sun beams through the huge trees of an ancient forest. Silenus, the satyr, stumbles from behind a tree. The white-haired little guy has the pointy ears and legs of a horse, but the upper body of an old, pot-bellied man.]
Silenus: What? Are we on? No, wait... wait... not ready.

[Mumbling off camera.]
Silenus: Have some respect for your elders! Now where did I put that...?

[He searches around for something.]
Silenus: Ah! Here it is.

[The old satyr groans as he bends and picks up a wineskin from the ground. Wine runs down his hairy chest and bulbous belly as he gulps greedily.]
Silenus: Ahhhhh! Now it's time for a show.

[Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.]
Silenus: Whazzup, everybody! I'm Silenus, the oldest satyr of all, and I've been asked by this fine network to do a little show about all the different kind of nymphs there are around. I've known quite a few nymphs in my time—if you know what I mean—so I'm definitely the satyr for the job. Okay, check this out.

[Silenus raps his knobby knuckles on an ancient oak tree behind him.]
Silenus: Hellooooooooooooooo! Helloooooooooooooooooooooo!

[He turns to the camera with a wink.]
Silenus: They really hate when you do this.

[The old satyr knocks even harder on the tree.]
Silenus: Helloooooooooooooooooo!

[He stops and takes another swig of wine.]
Silenus: Oh well, I guess there's no dryad living in this tree. I'm guess no one will mind if I chop it down. Let's see, where did I put my chainsaw...

[Suddenly, a pretty, but very annoyed face begins to emerge from the bark of the tree.]
Silenus: Now we're getting somewhere.

[The beautiful nymph slips from her tree, wearing skimpy robes made of leaves. She crosses her thin arms across her chest.]
Hamadryad: I told you I didn't want to be on your stupid show, Silenus.

Silenus: Well, I'm so glad you had a change of heart.

Hamadryad: Whatever.

Silenus: Why don't you tell the folks at home what it's like being a dryad?

Hamadryad: I'm a hamadryad.

[Silenus mugs to the camera.]
Silenus: A hama-what?

Hamadryad: Dryads are the spirits of an entire forest. Hamadryads are attached to a single tree. We live and die along with them.

Silenus: This tree looks pretty old. How old does that make you?

Hamadryad: Are we done here?

Silenus: No way, I've got to fill a whole hour with this or I lose my contract.

Hamadryad: A bunch of naiads live in a pool of water over there. Why don't you go talk to them?

Silenus: I tried, but they seduced most of my camera crew into going under the water with them.

Hamadryad: Yeah, that's kind of their thing. Well, head up the mountain a little bit. There are some oreads up there. You'll like them. They're super flirty, and they have a thing for satyrs.

Silenus: Even old satyrs?

Hamadryad: Especially old satyrs.

Silenus: I think you're making that up. Anyway, these old horse legs would never make it all the way up that slope.

Hamadryad: Go to the sea and interview the nereids, then!

Silenus: We can't afford a submarine.

Hamadryad: Go up in the air and talk to the nephalai in the clouds or the aurai on the breezes—you've got options, dude.

Silenus: We'd need an airplane.

Hamadryad: I'm getting very tired of this conversation.

Silenus: Quick, do something very nymph-like and amazing. I feel my ratings dropping.

Hamadryad: How about this?

[The beautiful nymph snaps her finger, and a vine snakes down around Silenus' ankle.]
Silenus: Whooooooooooooa!

[The old satyr dangles upside down, squirting wine everywhere as he spins around.]
Hamadryad: That's what you get for threatening my tree! I hope you learned your lesson.

Silenus: This is great! The folks at home are going to love this. Do something else! Can you make your tree dance or something?

Hamadryad: I've got an idea. There's supposed to be a Bacchanal in this clearing tonight.

Silenus: Wonderful!

Hamadryad: I think I'll teach the Maenads a new game.

Silenus: What? What?

Hamadryad: Pin the tail on the old, drunken satyr.

Silenus: But I've already got a tail.

Hamadryad: I think you need two.

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