Paris has been a little bored ever since he was shot by Philoctetes and sent down to Elysium, the city of the blessed dead. For a while, he tried to do his very own love advice show on S101, the most popular soul station in Elysium. Unfortunately, certain other souls never forgot Paris's romantic escapades in life, so the show was short lived—to say the least.
[Sultry music plays. Paris coos into the microphone using his best sexy voice.]
Paris: Good evening, Elysium. This is Paris of Troy broadcasting live from S101, the soul station for souls with soul. You are listening to Springtime in Paris, where love is always in the air. Has your love life got you down? Do you want to know how to make that certain someone notice you? Then call now. The prince of romance has all the answers you need.
Well, it looks like we have our first caller. Who is this?
Female Caller: Um, I don't want to say my name.
Paris: Give me something here. Are you a goddess? A mortal?
Female Caller: I'm a mountain nymph.
Paris: Really?! My first wife Oenone was a mountain nymph. Well, what do you want to say, sweetheart?
[Giggling is heard]
Female Caller: I've seen your picture on like, you know, bowls and stuff. And like... [giggling] you're really cute.
Paris: Well, I can't argue with you there.
Female Caller: Is it true that you were a shepherd when you were growing up?
Paris: Totally true.
Female Caller: I think that's sooooo hot.
Paris: Well, it was kind of like exile. My mom had a dream that I would destroy Troy so she had a shepherd abandon me on a mountain.
Female Caller: Oh, poor baby.
Paris: Luckily a she-bear came by and suckled me, until the shepherd felt guilty and raised me as his son.
Female Caller: I wished I'd been the one who found you.
Paris: Greeeeat... so, do you have a question?
Female Caller: Huh?
Paris: This show is supposed to be me giving love advice.
Female Caller: Yeah, can you advise me on how I could get a date with you?
Paris: Sorry, can't help you there.
Female Caller: I'm really pretty. I swear.
Paris: I'm sure you're very attractive.
Female Caller: You say that like you don't really believe me.
Paris: I do...
Female Caller: Oh, you don't think I'm as pretty as Helen. Is that it? You think she's prettier than me?
Paris: Probably so.
Female Caller: I thought you were supposed to be charming!
Paris: Well, she was the most beautiful woman like... ever.
Female Caller: Jerk!
[The sound of a phone hanging up.]
Paris: Okay, let's move on to the next caller. Who do I have on the line here?
Male Caller: Uh, yeah... I don't want to say either.
Paris: That's fine. What's your question?
Male Caller: Well, I've got a little problem, see.
Paris: That's what I'm here for.
Male Caller: My wife... well, she had an affair.
Paris: Oh, yes, well... I'm sorry. It happens, though, you know?
Male Caller: Oh, you know a lot about it, huh?
Paris: Everybody knows that I took Helen from Menelaus, sparking the Trojan War.
Male Caller: You act like you're proud of it.
Paris: I did it for love. What can I say?
Male Caller: You could at least be sorry about it, you little pretty boy turd-monkey.
Paris: Who is this?
Male Caller: Don't worry about it. Anyway, I got my wife back from this jerk—over his dead body, if you know what mean—but it seems like she's still hung up on him. What should I do?
Paris: Maybe it's just not right, friend.
Male Caller: What are you saying to me?
Paris: Maybe it was never right from the beginning. Maybe you should've let her stay with the man she truly loved! Maybe she hates it every time you touch her with those big ape-like paws of yours... Menelaus!
Menelaus: How'd you know it was me?
Paris: I don't know... turd-monkey.
Menelaus: That's it. I'm coming down there.
Paris: Bring it on!
Menelaus: Oh yeah?!
Menelaus: Aphrodite won't be there to save you when we duel this time.
Paris: Oh... yeah. Hmmm, are you planning on coming down right now?
Paris: Ooooh, I can't fit in a duel right now. My schedule is really booked this afternoon.
Paris: You would not believe how mad my mani/pedi girl gets if I'm late.
Menelaus: I will destroy you, you little—
[The sound of Paris hanging up.]
Paris: Okay! That's about all the time we have for today. Or ever probably...