It's time to tune in to Wake Up Olympus, your source for all the news that's fit for TV, with your host Lady Pheme, goddess of gossip and fame.
Lady Pheme: Good morning, Mount Olympus! You won't believe the show we have for you today. He's the silver fox of the sea! Second only to his brother, Zeus. It's … Poseidon!
The crowd applauds and squeals.
The earth starts to rumble.
A giant wave crashes through the wall of the studio.
Lady Pheme and the audience scream as chunks of wall and sprays of water fly everywhere. Poseidon enters, driving a horse-drawn chariot across the water. Lady Pheme and the audience members cling to floating bits of debris to stay above the waves. The god of the sea pulls his horses to a stop and calmly points his gleaming trident out over the water.
Suddenly, the waters are gone, and everything is exactly as it was before. Everyone sits in stunned silence for a moment and then breaks into wild applause.
Lady Pheme: Wow, Poseidon, we've had a lot of amazing entrances on this show, but that had to be one of the best.
Poseidon: Hmm, yes. Would you say it was better than Zeus'?
Lady Pheme: What ... oh ... what do you mean?
Poseidon: In your introduction, you said I was second to my brother. Do you think my entrance was second to his?
Lady Pheme: Ummm ... no comment.
Poseidon: Just because he's the king of the gods doesn't mean you have to be scared of him.
Lady Pheme: Well, yes ... that's exactly what it means.
Lady Pheme: Let's talk about you, Poseidon.
Poseidon: Well, it's about time.
Lady Pheme: So you're the god of sea.
Poseidon: And also rivers, lakes, streams, earthquakes, and horses.
Lady Pheme: You're also known for being rather competitive. Do you like competitions?
Poseidon: When I win them, yes.
Lady Pheme: And how about that competition with your niece Athena?
Poseidon: You're referencing the competition over becoming the patron god of a certain city, I take it?
Lady Pheme: Indeed I am. Could you explain the details of the competition to our audience?
Poseidon: Athena and I both wanted to be the patron god of this city. We both created a gift for the people, and they voted on which was the most useful. I created a magnificent spring of water at the Acropolis, and Athena created the lowly olive tree.
Lady Pheme: How did the people vote?
Poseidon: Well, Lady Pheme, these days they call the city Athens.
Lady Pheme: So, I take it you lost.
Poseidon: Which goes to show you how ignorant the people of Athens are. Whatever ... I sent a flood to punish them, so I suppose we're even.
Lady Pheme: You have a long history of punishing those who anger you.
Poseidon: Are you trying to accuse me of something?
Lady Pheme: No, no, no. Just making an observation. Odysseus, for example ...
Poseidon: I won't allow any disrespect, Pheme. Odysseus blinded my son, Polyphemus, so I trapped the "hero" at sea for as long as I could. Polyphemus only had one eye, and Odysseus blinded him. That's about the worst thing you can do to a Cyclops.
Lady Pheme: Do you think your vengeful disposition might have something to do with your relationship with your father?
Poseidon: Are you trying to psychoanalyze me?
Lady Pheme: Isn't it true that your father, Cronus, swallowed you and your siblings when you were young? That has to leave some scars.
Poseidon: It's true, Pheme. But when we got out of there, it was payback time. Cronus and his fellow Titans felt the wrath of us Olympians.
Lady Pheme: Wasn't it your brother, Zeus, who freed you from your father's stomach?
Poseidon: We would've gotten out without his help.
[Note to Shmoopers: click here to get Zeus' side of the story.]
Lady Pheme: After the Olympians took power from the Titans, you, Hades, and Zeus drew lots to see who ruled what. Is that correct?
Poseidon: That is true, Pheme. Hades got the underworld, Zeus got the boring sky, and I got the beautiful sea. And the earth we all share together. Somehow, even though my brothers and I were supposed to share everything equally, Zeus got to be king of the gods.
Lady Pheme: Hmm, why don't we talk about your love life?
Poseidon: What about it?
Lady Pheme: You're married to Amphitrite. Is that correct?
Poseidon: Indeed I am.
Lady Pheme: But is it also true that you've had many affairs?
Poseidon: Why does that matter?
Lady Pheme: It doesn't bother you at all?
Poseidon: I'm the god of the sea. What is anybody going to do about it?
Lady Pheme: You don't feel bad for any of it? It's said that you that laid with Medusa in Athena's temple, and that Athena turned Medusa into a monster because of it.
Poseidon: My niece has a nasty temper. What am I supposed to do about it?
Lady Pheme: So, did you care at all when your former lover was later beheaded by Perseus?
Poseidon: It's a tough world. What are you going to do?
Lady Pheme: Wow, OK. I think that's about all the time we have for today. Do you have any last words for our viewers at home?
Poseidon: I am ocean, hear me ROAR.