Since Ptah's all mummified except for his hands, e-mail is the best way for him to communicate with gods who aren't in shouting distance.
A Correspondence With Ra
I'm sorry that I won't be able to come to your birthday party again this year. My eyes just can't take the brightness on the Boat of Millions of Years. Isn't there any way you could turn it down, just a little? I'm sure that Sokar and Anubis and Nephthys and I would love to come, but not even sunglasses cut your glare quite enough.
Thanks for your email! I haven't heard from you in forever. What are you so busy doing in the darkness? Everybody else only works during the day, you know. Are you a workaholic? You got a girl in that temple or something? Inquiring gods want to know.
Anyway, I really can't do anything about the light. I'm the sun. Wish I could, though. You should know that, already. You created me! Can't you just create some kind of protective hat? Maybe I can swing by your place after sunset.
A Correspondence With Sekhmet
My beloved lioness,
Another year of our marriage has come and gone. I know that everyone thinks we make a very strange couple, with me creating all the things and you wanting to chew them all up or burn them down, but I think that's what makes it great. Without you in my life, who would do enough damage so I'd have more things to fix in my eternal workshop?
I don't know what I'd do without my little mistress of plagues and doom. You make me want to create the world all over again. Happy anniversary.
Hugs and kisses,
Have I ever mentioned how much I love getting emails from you? It's so much fun to make the other Eye of Ra goddesses jealous. Hathor NEVER gets mail from Horus—he's always too busy—and Osiris never sends Isis a thing from the Duat, except on their birthdays. I guess it takes a long time to transfer files from there or something.
As long as we're together, darling, I promise: if you build it, I'll find a way to break it. Together, we can do anything!
Speaking of doing anything, I had an idea about where to go for our anniversary dinner. I heard there are some giant sandstorms in the middle of the Sahara, and that the sand can destroy ANYTHING! I want to see if it's true. Can we go?
Happy anniversary, sweetie.
A Correspondence With Nefertem
Thoth sent your mother and me a copy of your latest report card. Needless to say, she's more than a little disappointed in you. The first son of Memphis should be able to get more than a C in physical education. Your mother's practically a force of nature, and I know you were in good shape when you left here. What's going on?
I was hoping Thoth would let me turn in some extra credit work before he sent the report card home. I'm super sorry about the phys ed grade, but there's a good reason for it. You see, I was working on a special project for chemistry class, and I forgot to go to the track meet tryouts. Not that I would've gotten in or anything. Horus the Younger was there, and you've seen him run.
So my chemistry project involved figuring out recipes for perfumes that can heal the sick and preserve the dead. Humans are really going to benefit from what I found out, and Miss Seshat gave me an A+ on my report. The rest of my grades are great. I promise I'll work harder on phys ed next semester.
Please tell Mom I love her, and ask if she can send me any more mandrakes, unless she already had them all made into beer. Maybe I should invent some red beer for her, too.
I talked with Thoth and asked him to forward me a copy of your chemistry report. I'm impressed.
Don't worry about the phys ed grades. It's not like I was ever a track star. Just make some perfume for your mother's birthday, and I'm sure you can make it up to her.
A Correspondence With Imhotep
I'm writing to let you know I've convinced Pharaoh Djoser to finance a series of monuments in your honor and for your glory. We're going to build a giant step pyramid at Saqqara, outside Memphis in the desert there. It will have a full temple, a giant hall, some chapels, a processional way, and a miniature version of Memphis for fairs and holidays, as well as his eternal tomb underneath the pyramid. I've attached the blueprints to this email for your review. The location Djoser gave us to build is spectacular—his children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren will all have room to put their pyramids there, as well as the tombs for all of their employees and friends and family for thousands of years. We're going to call it the Saqqara necropolis.
Please give us your blessing so that not too many of my men get killed while we're building. I've already started to learn medicine so I can help with treating any injuries, but a little divine help can't hurt.
Thank you in advance, from your most humble priest,
Attached please find a few pages of corrections to your blueprints. There were some strange calculations for the steps of the pyramid, so I fixed them. We don't want another Pyramid of Meidum on our hands. I'm sure you remember how many of Pharaoh Senefru's builders got killed when it collapsed! Such a shame.
I've also attached a blueprint for something I'm calling "columns." This will make it easier for you to make stone roofs, without them falling in on anybody. I know it looks strange, but trust me—columns will make the great hall even more beautiful, like an indoor forest, and they will make buildings bigger and more beautiful for all time to come. Go ahead and claim credit for them; I don't need a paycheck.
Your work is wonderful, as always, and I am greatly pleased with it. Make sure that Djoser grants you a good location for your own tomb. Once you die, I intend to make you part of my family, and no son of mine is going to be buried in a closet.