Shmoop's crack team of P.I.s was recently able to tap into Selene's phone. (Can you believe how good we are?) The following transcript proves once and for all that Pan has just never gotten over his fling with Selene, the intoxicating goddess of the moon.
[The sound of breathing]
Selene: Eos, I already told you I don't have time to hang out today.
Selene: Helios? Is that you? Are you crying again?
Selene: This is Pan, isn't it?
Pan: Whoa, how did you know?
Selene: Look, how many times do I have to say "no"? We were a one-time thing. The fleece you gave me is very nice, but I just don't want a long-term relationship.
Pan: But you've got one with Endymion! He's totally lazy. He just sleeps all the time.
Selene: Those were the terms that Zeus gave me to make him immortal. He has to sleep for all time. You know that. Don't play stupid with me.
Pan: I just don't see how you could pass up all this gorgeous goatishness for some dude who's always asleep. Do you know how many nymphs I've got hanging round all the time?
Selene: Um, I'm the moon. I see all the shenanigans you and Dionysus and all those Satyrs get into at night. Why would you think that would impress me?
Pan: You haven't given me the chance to really impress you. Why don't you drive a team of oxen of yours down to a Bacchanal some night, and I'll show you that old Pan still has all the charm you need.
Selene: This is getting tedious. I really need to go take my bath in Oceanus.
Pan: Do tell.
Selene: Just stop it, Pan!
Pan: What can I say, baby? I'm moonstruck! I'm loony for Luna!
Selene: It was a mistake what happened between us, okay?
Pan: What if I shave my legs?
Pan: Wax my chest?
Pan: Cut off my horns.
Pan: I'll stop being a little Satyr god for you, Selene! Anything!
Selene: I love Endymion, okay? I had 50 daughters with him! I'm committed.
Pan: I know you've had other lovers. Lots of them!
Selene: That's Eos. My sister.
Pan: And you too! Everybody says so!
Selene: Whatever, once in a while. But Eos is the one with the really bad reputation.
Pan: What say I leave you alone in return for a certain phone number?
Selene: You are an awful little god.
Pan: I know, right?
Selene: I'll text it.