Contendings, Day 1
It was hard enough killing my brother—even if he was a little soft. Now his punk kid wants to be king, but I know he's not ready. Isis hasn't prepared him for it yet, and he didn't have a father to show him how, thanks to me….
I'm going to make sure that if little Horus does get to have the throne of Osiris instead of me, that he deserves it. I asked Ra if I could challenge the kid for the throne, and Ra said yes. I think he wants me to win. Now maybe if I do this right, Horus the Younger will go home to grow up, and I'll get to be king for a while. It's good to be the king, right?
After a whole lot of yammering, we finally got down to business. Who lets Thoth talk, anyway? You know you're going to be there for ten thousand years waiting for him to get to the point. He invented words—of course he wants to use a lot of them! Bo-ring. Anyway, I didn't really pay attention to all of it, but at the end, Ra decreed that Horus the Younger was going to have to fight me for the throne. Yessss! Now I can smack him around until he goes crying home to mama.
Contendings, Year 18
That little brat tricked me! I came out for the latest set of challenges, looked at the scoreboard, and noticed that we were still tied. Eighteen years of this and we're still tied. This is ridiculous. Anyhow, I saw that the challenge was for a boat race and looked over at the Nile. Horus the Younger's got a boat, and it's made out of stone. He thinks he's so cool he can make a stone boat float! Ha. So I go and get a mountain and hollow it out, bring it down to the riverbank, and jump in.
And it sinks. And they all laugh at me. Because his boat isn't really stone, it's just painted like stone. Jerk.
I'll get him.
Contendings, Year 34
Well, the hippo trick didn't work. Stupid Isis actually speared me. Me! Her older brother! What an ingrate. I gave her what for. The kid's already cheating. Now I know where he gets it from.
When Thoth called it a draw, Horus just leaped out of the water and grabbed Isis and—get this—RIPPED HER HEAD OFF. I mean clean off, like he was popping a dandelion or something. Pop! Off goes her head. At first it was kind of cool, seeing him all out of control like that, but then I realized he decapitated my sister. So I yelled at him and he ran off, carrying her head while her body ran around like a headless, uh, goddess.
It is ON. I'm gonna catch him.
Contendings, Year 69
Snuck up on the kid while he was sleeping under a tree. Debated ripping HIS head off, but wasn't really sure where I'd grab it. Hawk heads are kinda funny shaped, with that beak and all those feathers. So instead, I just stabbed him in the eyes and took them, so he couldn't see me to chase me.
It sounded like a good idea at first, then after a while, I realized he was watching me anyway! Creepy, watching me from the eyeballs in my hand. So I dug a hole and buried them. All that running and digging made me tired, so I went to sleep. When I woke up, there were two lotuses coming out of the ground where I buried the eyeballs. I couldn't make this stuff up! Went back down to the river and told Ra and Thoth what happened. They all argued a while about what should be done. I reminded them that my wife Neith is the oldest one of all us, and maybe she'd have some advice. Tired of all these contests. I had no idea Horus the Younger was this stubborn. Maybe he could be a good king someday. But not yet.
Contendings, Year 70
Next time I come up with a good idea like getting Neith involved, just rip off MY head. Ra sent her the letter, and what do we get back? "Horus should be king, so give him the throne." WHAT? Betrayed by my own wife. I can't get any respect around here. She sent some threat about crashing the sky into the ground, and Osiris sent a "P.S. I will send zombies to ruin your life ha ha ha" so now Ra is going to give Horus the Younger everything? This is a load of bull god. (No, really, it is. Horus the Younger has a bull form. He used it in one of the contests. Cheater.)
They think they can threat? Well, I threatened too. I threatened to take my mace and bash in a god's skull every morning until I get what I deserve. They know I can do it, too—I do it to Apophis every morning, so what's another skull smashing? That scared a few of them, but not enough. So I went back to my tent to write in my journal until Thoth came to say that Neith ordered me to be given a consolation prize. After everything else she said I was afraid to go look at what it was…but it was actually kind of cool.
I got a box full of thunder to scare the rain with. (I hate rain; it messes up my desert.) And then I got two hot chicks from up north, Anath and Astarte! And Ra says I can camp out on his boat any time I like, and I can bring them with me if I want, since they both are pretty good with a spear. Sweet!
Maybe this turned out okay after all. But I'm still going to keep an eye on Horus the Younger. SOMEBODY has to keep him honest. Isis sure isn't going to do it, and I didn't kill Osiris for nothing.
[P.S. Check out Horus the Younger's journal for the other side of the story]