Yesterday I arrived in Asgard. I didn't want to take any chances, so before I even crossed Bifröst, I suited up in all my armor and got my bow and arrow ready for action. Turns out, I didn't have to use it. The gods and goddesses were so impressed by me that they quickly agreed to all our demands. I'm a little disappointed, actually. I was really looking forward to putting all that target practice to use and bringing a few of the treacherous cowards down permanently. But I'm glad that dad's murder will be avenged. They've even agreed to turn his eyes into stars as a memorial to him! They really don't want any trouble with us giants.
A few weeks ago, as part of our agreement, I was able to choose any husband I wanted from among the Asgard gods. There was one catch, though: I had to choose based only on seeing my future husband's feet. Naturally, I chose the most attractive feet, figuring they'd belong to Balder, who is a total hottie. But turns out, they were Njord's! Njord is old enough to be my grandfather, and the worst part is, he lives in the middle of a horrid swamp with sea birds squawking overhead constantly. I haven't slept in a week! And I miss the mountains and Thrymheim.
The only bright spot in my misery was when Loki completed the last part of the gods' atonement for dad's death by making me laugh. He tied a rope to a goat's beard and attached the other end to his man parts. You can imagine all the squealing when the goat got scared and pulled! I still hate Loki, but that was the funniest thing I've ever seen.
All my love,
Well, I've really done it this week! The gods were searching for the perfect punishment for Loki after he murdered Balder. I suggested that they tie him in his son's guts under a snake dripping with poison venom (gross, right?). His poor little wife tries to catch the venom in a bowl, but it fills up eventually, and then—watch out, Loki! Everyone agreed that my idea was totally brill.
Otherwise, though, life kind of sucks. I'm really homesick, but Njord won't even consider another trip to Thrymheim. He complains about the howling of the wolves there. How am I supposed to stay in shape for ski season when I'm living at sea level? Don't be surprised if one day, I show up on your doorstep, home at last! I don't expect this marriage to last much longer.