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Interview with Taweret (Opet)

[Scenes of a camera racing through the rooms of someone's house play over the sounds of the "Bad Boys" theme. Ancient Egyptians run from room to room, looking terrified, as dark, shadowy shapes follow them.]

Voiceover: When you've got a house full of disease demons and nightmares, who do you call?

[The screen fades to black and shows the hieroglyphs for: TAWERET AND BES, HOUSE PATROL. The next scene shows a young girl sitting in bed, shaking so hard her side-braid is flapping against her shoulders.]

Little girl: [to the camera] And then, I saw the monster.

[Camera pans to show Taweret and Bes, standing next to the little girl's bed. Each has a gigantic knife in each hand.]

Taweret: What did it look like, Benret?

Little girl: I-it looked like a big scary dog. With pointy teeth!

Bes: How big were his teeth?

Little girl: [making a motion with her hands] This big. Real big! He was going to eat me.

Taweret: [laughs] Nobody's eating you while we're here.

Bes: [grinning a little wider than usual] That's right. You just go back to sleep, and we'll make sure the Bad Doggie doesn't come back.

Little girl: You sure?

[Bes and Taweret both nod, and the little girl goes back to sleep.

Camera fades to black, then fades back into a shadowy hallway. The words "FOUR HOURS LATER" appear on the screen briefly, as Taweret appears at the end of the hall.]

Taweret: Didn't see anything down that way.

Bes: [coming from the other direction] Nothing in the basement, either. This nightmare demon's a tough one.

Taweret: [nods] Yeah, but we're gonna get him.

[A crackling noise is heard from behind them. Both Bes and Taweret turn, raising their knives.]

Bes: [whispering] You hear that?

Taweret: [whispering] Yeah. Down the hall.

[Bes and Taweret head down the hall very quietly. The cameraman is clearly trying to keep up and keep quiet. Bes turns back toward the camera with a frown.]

Bes: Could you turn that thing off? We're trying to catch a—

[Sudden, loud noises come from ahead, and Taweret reappears with what looks like a giant black dog impaled on the end of one of her knives. It is struggling and shouting.]

Black dog: Hey! Get that thing out of me!

Taweret: You shouldn't be sneaking into little girls' bedrooms at night! That's what you get for being a nightmare demon!

[The camera gets closer, and it becomes obvious that the black dog is not a nightmare demon, but the god Anubis.]

Anubis: [still struggling] Ow! Could you PLEASE get that knife out of my shoulder?

Bes: [recognizing Anubis] Uh, Taweret…let him go. That's not a nightmare demon.

[Bes turns on the hallway light, and Taweret backs away as she realizes who she attacked. Anubis reaches up, pulls out the knife, and hands it back to an embarrassed Taweret, then proceeds to brush himself off.]

Taweret: Anubis! Nobody told us you were coming! I thought you were—

Anubis: A nightmare demon. I know. They asked me to check in, too.

Bes: Sorry, boss.

Anubis: It's okay. Good thing I'm a magician or that might've left a mark. [Turning to Taweret] Could you be more careful next time?

Taweret: Sorry, I got excited.

Anubis: It's all right. Just make sure it's a demon before you stick it next time.

[Camera fades to black.]

Voiceover: Fighting nightmare demons is a dangerous job—only meant for qualified gods. Sometimes even the gods can make a mistake. Luckily, this time, nobody got hurt. Three hours after this video was taken, the demon in Benret's room was apprehended and taken to the Duat for interrogation. This episode of House Patrol was filmed with the cooperation of Bes, Taweret, and the protection spirits of Benret's house. All demons are innocent until proven guilty in Osiris's court.

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