There Is No Dog
by Meg Rosoff
There Is No Dog Summary
How It All Goes Down
Meet Lucy. She is a beautiful, happy, healthy, highly religious, 21-year-old virgin. Your mom would love her. She just wants one thing: to fall in love. Meet God: an intergalactic teenage being named Bob, whose favorite hobbies include seducing his mortal creations, sleeping, eating, and masturbating. Guess who Lucy is going to fall in love with?
Bob got stuck with the job of being Earth's God by accident, and he isn't so good at running things. Luckily, he's got rational and responsible Mr. B to help him out. But Mr. B's tired of his crummy job so he's leaving. And that's not all. Bob's Mom gambles his pet, Eck, away to a pretty scary being called Emoto Hed. Estelle, Hed's daughter, wants to save Eck but it's not looking too good for the little guy.
Okay. Now that you're all caught up, let's see how it goes down.
One day Bob shows up at Lucy's job. She falls head over heels for him, of course, since he's God. Bob can't stop thinking about her, but we have a feeling that he wants something a bit more carnal than she does. Did we mention that Bob has a habit of going after mortal ladies? And that they end up dead? Or that when he is in love apocalyptic weather happens? Yeah, this is going to go well.
So there are floods. And hail. In the middle of summer. Also, a lot of lightning. Maybe frogs soon. The storm leaves people stranded in vicar Bernard's church and Lucy's mom, Laura, is helping out as much as she can. Meanwhile, Bob and Lucy are on a date and it is amazing. We guess. It actually sounds a lot like the Olive Garden.
Meanwhile, Estelle takes Eck on a date and they become friends. Mr. B has a crush on her too, but, unlike Bob, he actually takes his responsibility seriously. He's got to save the Earth.
Date is over and Bob wants to get hitched. He asks Lucy's mom for Lucy's hand in marriage. Let's just say it doesn't end well. Don't worry! Soon he and Lucy go on another date, and guess what happens? She says yes! They have wild passionate sex. Then Bob goes home and his mom (Mona) says that he can't see Lucy anymore. Dun, dun, dun.
Bob wants to get rid of his mom, but he can't. Plus, Estelle takes Eck and yells at him. Time to ask Mr. B for help. Mr. B offers a trade: save the whales, and Bob will get rid of Mona. Only Bob hasn't done the whole miracle thing in a while, so he goes a little crazy and ends up kicking Lucy out of his house. And then he manages to reveal his God powers, seriously freaking Lucy out.
He bungles his apology, of course, and now he's single. (But at least the fish can fly? Because that will save them.) In the end, everything wraps up nice and neatly. Mona is exchanged for Eck. Mr. B stays, and Bob is transferred. Estelle and Mr. B get together. So do Lucy and Luke, her co-worker who was mean to her because she was too pretty. Happy endings all around! (Except maybe for Bob. Ruling Earth sounds like a pretty thankless job.)