Spy on Theseus’s Message Inbox
A Correspondence With Ariadne
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Why You're a Jerk
Theseus,
I hope you're enjoying your afterlife, jerk. You are such a fraud. Everybody always talks about how you're such a hero, but you never would've killed Asterion, the Minotaur, without me. If I hadn't gotten that ball of string from Daedalus, you never would've found your way out of the Labyrinth.
I can't believe I helped you. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Even if he was a monster, he was still my half-brother. And I helped you kill him. Ugh, I'm almost as messed up as you are. Actually, strike that. No one is as messed up as you are. How could you ditch me on that island after everything I did for you?! And how could marry my sister, Phaedra?!
You're the monster, not Asterion! Just want you to know that I'm doing fine without you.
Ariadne
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Why You're a Jerk
Whoa, Ariadne. You already blew up my wall with this stuff. Did it really require another email? Look, I'm really sorry I left you on that island. I had a lot going on back then, you know? I guess I just wasn't ready for commitment.
And about Phaedra... I only married her because she reminded me of you. Does it make you feel any better that the marriage was a complete and total disaster? She got the hots for my son, Hippolytus! She tricked me in to killing him! She killed herself! It was miserable.
Anyway, I know you won't forgive me, and I guess that makes sense.
Love,
Theseus
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Why You're a Jerk
How dare you sign your message "love"! You make me sick. I'm glad you're miserable. I celebrate every single miserable moment you have had in your miserable life.
Ariadne
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Why You're a Jerk
How can you really still be this bitter? I mean, you married Dionysus. You're the wife of a god. What could be better than that?
No love,
Theseus
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Why You're a Jerk
He has a serious drinking problem. It makes me so sad. All he does is party with all those nymphs and satyrs all the time. Zeus only knows what happens at those Bacchanals.
Why are men always always such idiots?
Ugh, why am I even still emailing with you? You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Ariadne
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Why You're a Jerk
Look, I know things went really wrong between us. I know I was a jerk. But if you ever need anybody to talk to, I'm here. It's a long afterlife, right? There's lots of time for a coffee if you want.
T
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Why You're a Jerk
I will always despise you.
A
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Why You're a Jerk
maybe...
A
A Correspondence With the Minotaur
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You Are Going Down!
Theseus,
I can't believe this is actually your email address. You are so going down.
See you in court, punk!
Asterion
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You Are Going Down!
What's that supposed to mean?
Theseus
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Your Are Going Down!
You'll see, loser. Can't wait for you to finally get what's coming to you. Did you really think you could get away with murdering me? Ha! We're having a trial before Hades next week. The Lord of the Dead has already agreed. Soon it'll be the black pit of Tartarus for you!
Asterion
[Check out the transcript of this climactic trial]
