The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Book 8, Chapter 34 Summary
Mr. Shandy excels at making people mad. He's just about to lay into Yorick when Trim walks in and tells Toby that he's going to need new breeches.
Mr. Shandy tells Toby to order some more, and continues on with his thoughts on love. But by this time, everyone's so occupied with his own thoughts that they all leave for the night. Before bed, Mr. Shandy writes Toby a letter.
The letter contains Mr. Shandy's thoughts about women and love-making:
First, always pray to God.
Second, shave your head regularly, so she can't tell how bald you are when you take off your wig. Next, remember that women are shy.
Also, don't let your pants get too tight or too loose. Don't make jokes or let her read anything funny.
Don't let her know how you feel, because women love to be curious.
Finally, don't eat goat, deer, peacocks, cranes, or water hens. Something tells us Mrs. Shandy's got some input.