Uranus (Ouranos, Caelus)
Shmoop investigators went to great lengths to record the following transcript of what was going on the day that the Cyclopes and the Hekatonkheires were born to Gaia and Uranus. Not only did it require our very own long distance laser microphone, it also required a time machine, since all of this happened not long after everything we know was created. Never before has the world gotten such an uncensored glimpse into the real lives of the primordial gods.
[The primordial gods all hover high above the earth. Aither and Hemera wear bright, shining robes and have big stupid smiles on their faces. Erebos, Nyx, and Tartarus wear dark robes and look pretty depressed. Eros flutters between them with a sneaky smirk on his face. Above them all hovers King Uranus, anxiously twisting his sky blue robes in his fist.]
Aither: Congratulations Uranus, old chum! Golly, you're a lucky god!
Hemera: I'll say!
Aither: The whole beautiful Earth is your bride!
Hemera: And soon Gaia will give you beautiful babies!
Hemera: What a glorious day!
Hemera: You should be so proud, Uranus!
Aither: Are you proud?!
Uranus: Uh... yes?
Hemera: He's proud!
Eros: Now, now. Give credit where credit's due. I had a little hand in all this procreating that's going on here at the beginning of time.
Hemera: That's true! Yay for Eros!
Tartarus: Would you two shut up?
Nyx: I'm glad you said something.
Hemera: What's wrong?!
Aither: Aren't you happy for Uranus and Gaia?!
Tartarus: Yes, yes... but do you two have to be quite so happy?
Nyx: It's like every sentence you speak has an exclamation point at the end of it.
Hemera: I don't know what you're talking about!
Aither: Me neither!
Erebos: Seriously, why do you guys have to be so bright and cheerful? You don't know what's going to happen today. What if Gaia and Uranus's kids are horrible monsters or something like that?
Tartarus: He has a point.
Nyx: It's true.
Aither: You are awful gods!
Hemera: Why are you guys so dark and gloomy?!
Aither: You've made King Uranus sad now, too!
Uranus: You've all made me sad. Aither is the god of the bright upper atmosphere and Hemera is the goddess of day. They're just going to be bright and chipper—get over it.
Uranus: And you two... Nyx is the goddess of night, Erebos is primordial darkness, and Tartarus is the bottomless pit at the bottom of existence. They're just going to be a little gloomy sometimes.
Uranus: Eternity is going to be very long from all I can tell, and since we're here at the beginning of it, all of us primordial gods really need to find a way to get along. Right?
Aither: Yes, Your Majesty!
Nyx: Our apologies, My King.
Eros: I know a way that we can all become much better friends...
Uranus: Not now, Eros. Look someone is coming.
[Chaos flies up from below, her hair whipping wildly around her head. Her robes are crazy mismatched rags, and her eyes roll around in her head when she talks.]
Chaos: Aoiwohwroihwroihwldkjhksfh! wuru&&&&uuuiii!!!
Uranus: I have no idea what you're saying.
Uranus: Does anybody speak Chaotic?!
Aither: I'm not sure, but I think everything she says has an exclamation mark on the end, too!
Uranus: That isn't helpful.
Nyx: I'll interpret, My Lord.
Nyx: Oh dear.
Uranus: What is it?
Nyx: It seems your children have been born.
Nyx: Well, they're alive and healthy.
Eros: [rapping] I like big butts, and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny...
Nyx: It seems that Gaia had two sets of triplets. They're giants, My Lord. One set is really stupid and they each only have a single eye in the middle of their head. They seem to be the incarnations of something called thunder, flashes, and lightning.
Uranus: Are they powerful?
Nyx: Yes, but not as powerful as your other children.
Uranus: I'm not sure I want to hear this.
Uranus: Chaos, you are seriously stressing me out.
Nyx: She says you must know, My Lord.
Uranus: Go on.
Nyx: Your other children are even more gigantic than the one-eyed creatures. They each have a hundred hands, fifty heads, and seem to be the incarnation of some things called hurricanes.
Uranus: Would you shut up?!
Erebos: I knew this was going to turn out badly.
Nyx: What are you going to do, Your Majesty?
Uranus: I'll just have to bury them deep beneath Gaia herself.
Tartarus: She is seriously going to hate that.
Uranus: I'm the king. What I say goes!
Erebos: I don't think this is going to turn out well either…