It's time to tune in to Wake Up Olympus, your source for all the news that's fit for TV, with your host Lady Pheme, goddess of gossip and fame.
Good morning, Olympus! Boy, do we have a show for you today. We've got the Muses, reigning champions of the Olympus Slam Poetry Competition. The soulful Orpheus is here to play a song from his new hit record, Never Look Back. And, gods and goddesses, we'll talk to the king of gods – LORD ZEUS.
That's right. We're moments away from an exclusive interview with the biggest, baddest god of all. When he isn't busy ruling the world, Zeus likes to spend his time having affairs. Lots of affairs. He's married to Hera (Juno), goddess of birth and marriage, but that doesn't stop him from sleeping with everybody who catches his eye.
And now, please welcome the king of the gods…Zeus!
Zeus enters wearing a crisp linen suit, waving and winking at the ladies in the audience. A little thunder rumbles above. The crowd goes wild.
Lady Pheme: Zeus – may I call you Zeus?
Zeus: You can call me anything you want, Lady Pheme. I'm all yours.
Lady Pheme: Ooooh! You do know how to charm the ladies. Thank you, Zeus. I just want to tell you how honored I am to have you on my show. I know it's hard to tell the truth sometimes, and I think it's really brave that you are here with us today.
Zeus: Thank you, Lady Pheme. I'm glad to be here and in the presence of such beauties.
He winks some more.
Lady Pheme: Great! Let's get started. Tell us about yourself, Zeus. We're so eager to find out how you became the god you are today. Start from the beginning.
Zeus: Well, this may shock you, but I wasn't always the big bad ruler of everything. Before I was born, my father Cronus, the Titan, was the supreme ruler of the universe. It was prophesied, however, that Dad would one day be knocked off his throne by one of his own children. That didn't sound so good to Dad, so when he started having kids with my mom, Rhea (it was unavoidable – she's the Titan goddess of motherhood and female fertility), he decided the only thing to do was to swallow each of his kids as soon as they were born.
The audience gasps.
Lady Pheme: Shocking!
Eventually, my mom got sick of her husband swallowing all of her kids. She got strong. When she was about to give birth to me, she played a trick on Dad. When he came to swallow me, Mom wrapped a rock up in baby blankets and fooled Cronus into thinking it was me. Cronus apparently couldn't tell the difference between the taste of rocks and babies and was totally fooled by my mom's little trick. I was then hidden away in a mountain cave on the island of Crete, where I grew to adulthood in secrecy.
Lady Pheme: Wow. All I can say is "wow." What a rough way to come into the world. I can't imagine what you've been through. What was your childhood like, Zeus?
Zeus: My childhood? Oh, I could tell you lots of stories about my childhood. I was raised by Amalthea, who was either a magic goat or a nymph with a magic goat – I could never tell. Amalthea got some dudes called the Kouretes to dance, clash their shields, and shout all day so that my dad wouldn't hear little me crying. (Because apparently all that shouting and dancing didn't attract any attention at all.) I can't remember where exactly I grew up, but the cave where I was raised is sometimes said to have been on Mount Ida or Mount Dikte, among other places.
Lady Pheme: You were separated from Rhea, your mother. Did you have any other maternal figures in your life?
Zeus: The nymphs, Adamanthea, Melissa, and Cynosura also helped raise me. And my nanna, Gaia – the earth – also raised me.
Lady Pheme: It takes a village to raise a god. Thank goodness you had so many wonderful women and goat people in your life. How did you become the ruler you are today?
Zeus: I didn't waste any time in getting back at my father Cronus. As soon as I was a big boy, I went out and fulfilled the prophecy that Dad had been so afraid of. Sucka! First, I forced Dad to puke up my brothers and sisters, and then we waged all out war on him and the other Titans. After we won the battle, I threw Dad and the other Titans into Tartarus, the deepest pit of the underworld.
Lady Pheme: Truly fascinating. How did you end up the king of the gods and of the sky?
Zeus: I drew lots with my brothers, Hades and Poseidon, to see who would get to rule over what. I got the sky, Hades got the underworld, and Poseidon got the oceans. We decide to share the earth equally. Don't let this division of power fool you, though. After I kicked Dad off the throne, there was no question about who was the ultimate king of the gods. C'est moi, folks.
Lady Pheme: Indeed, it is you. Zeus, your have quite the reputation for being a ladies' man, and we've heard that you often seduce women in disguise. Why all the drama?
Zeus: Well, now, that's a bit personal, isn't it? All right. All right. My wife is the goddess of marriage, you know, and she's a bit strict. It's forced me to be creative. I've come up with some really good disguises too. I seduced Europa in the form of a bull, Leda as a swan, Io as a cloud, Danae as a golden shower, and Ganymede as an eagle. But you know, I've already said enough. My wife loves Wake Up Olympus, she's probably watching.
Lady Pheme: Well, may I just say that you look positively dashing today!
Zeus: Why, thank you.
Lady Pheme: Who are you wearing?
Zeus: Oh, this is from Arachne's Spring collection. She let me keep it after I walked the runway for her.
Lady Pheme: Fantastic. Well, Lord Zeus, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for sharing your story with us today. I hope we can have you on the show again soon.
Zeus: I think that can be arranged.
Lady Pheme: Mount Olympus, give it up for Zeus!