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Interview with Anubis

Second day of the third month of flood

This morning was the usual: lines of people all nervous about getting their hearts weighed. Thoth's in a mood today. He let Ammit in the scales room early before Ma'at clocked in, so today's candidates could see what they get fed to if they fail. He seems to think it will convince them to be sorry for their wrongs in life, and this will lighten their hearts before I have to weigh them, but I think it's mean. Ma'at always smiles and makes them feel better, though, so most of the time Ammit ends up with nothing. This week, we didn't feed her a single evil heart. Felt sorry for her, so I snuck a grilled cheese and some chips into the hall inside one of Qebshenuef's extra canopic jars. Never saw a hippo-lion-crocodile creature eat something that fast! Almost lost my hand.

Twelfth day of the third month of flood

Osiris asked me to make one of my special journeys this afternoon. A bunch of people died in an earthquake, so they all need to be led to the halls. My mom, Nephthys, decided to come along with me. She doesn't say much, but she always manages to make them feel less scared. She's probably a little less scary than the big black jackal anyway. You'd think if I'm supposed to be a comforting god of the dead, my parents would've given me a more comforting face, huh? Mom says it's because I also have to scare away the bad things. I guess that's important, but it'd be nice to feel like the dead people weren't going to run screaming every time I showed up.

Third day of the fourth month of flood

Road trip! The Four Sons of Horus and I are going to visit my stepmom Isis and my brother (and their dad) Horus the Younger. How'd a kid get four sons without even having a girlfriend? I don't get it, but I've learned not to ask questions. Not only is everything in the Isis family weird, every time I make Horus angry, he throws a tantrum and somebody loses an eye.

Ninth day of the fourth month of flood

Had some fun at a funeral this afternoon. I was doing the final prayers and one of the other priests came up behind me to help me take off my jackal mask… but he ended up with a handful of jackal hair! He didn't realize that I was actually Anubis, and not a priest acting as my proxy, like at most funerals. Boy, did he apologize afterward. I don't think I've ever seen a mortal that scared in my life. Mom asked me not to do that anymore. She's afraid they'll have heart attacks and then I'll just have to do more work—and explain to Osiris why the funeral priests are dying before their time.

Second day of the fifth month of flood

I came up with a better idea than the Scales of Ma'at today for deciding who gets to go to the afterlife and who gets to be lunch for Ammit. Instead of having to gather up all these hearts and weigh them against the feather of truth, I figured we could just build some sort of scanner that would let us see what was in their hearts without all the work. If the TSA can use scanners to look inside luggage, can't Thoth make some kind of scanner to look inside hearts? We could save so much time. I even drew up a sign for the front of the line: "Make sure all thoughts are placed in the proper bin." But when I told Horus the Younger about my idea over lunch, he just laughed.

Third day of the fifth month of flood

Someday, I'd like to get lost. I mean utterly lost. It gets boring to travel sometimes, when you already know where everything is and all the roads to get there. There's no sense of discovery anymore. It's all so routine: open a dimension, go this way, oh, there's the same place that was there the last 12,000 times I went down that plane. It gets boring. I envy mortals who get lost on the way to vacations and discover something new and exciting. I wonder what that's like. Maybe I should ask Seth. He's always out checking out the edges of things… something about proving he's the god of challenges and confusion. Is it different for him since he doesn't know what he's going to find?

Eighth day of the sixth month of flood

That is IT. I am not talking to Seth anymore. Found out from Isis this morning that Seth actually killed Osiris at his birthday party last night! Can you believe it? What a pig. It's unbelievable. No way I am calling him Dad ever again. Osiris is such a nice guy, and now I have to help set up his funeral. But first we have to find the body… good thing I know where everything is, for once.

Tenth day of the third month of flood

So Thoth convinced me to forgive Seth about the Osiris thing. Something about how Osiris had to die so dead people would have a god. I guess, but wasn't that my job? I was the Foremost of Westerners, and now they're calling Osiris this, and gave him the best seat in the hall. I don't get it, but I suppose it makes sense. The bigger the world gets, the bigger the underworld is getting. Eventually, I wasn't going to be able to go collect all the souls AND be their king at the same time. Besides, I don't really like the king job. It's just a lot of sitting around and listening to people complain. Osiris can do it; he's a really good listener. I'll work on making sure everybody gets here in one piece. No more wandering all over Egypt looking for body parts, never again! Ugh.

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