Interview with Hygeia (Salus)
Shmoop's crack team of P.I.s recently broke into the offices of Dr. Logos, noted therapist to the gods. Interestingly, the good doctor had his own mental breakdown, following several unsuccessful sessions with Atlas, Medea, and several other notable figures. The transcript below captures a session with Hygeia, who is associated with mental health as well as physical.
Hygeia: Hello, Doctor Logos.
Dr. Logos: Oh hello, Lady Hygeia. Thank you so much for seeing me on such short notice.
Hygeia: My pleasure, doctor.
Dr. Logos: What a lovely snake you have.
Hygeia: Why, thank you.
Dr. Logos: What is it that you're feeding it there from that bowl?
Hygeia: A special blend: manna juice, vitamins, the blood of my victims...
Dr. Logos: Ah. Wait, what?
Hygeia: Just a little joke! My snake is super friendly.
Dr. Logos: Yes, very funny. Well, I suppose I should begin by—
Hygeia: Hmm, yes... would you mind using a bit of this hand sanitizer before we begin?
Dr. Logos: I... of course... but I've only just washed my hands, you know.
Hygeia: You can never be too careful with personal hygiene, Doctor.
Dr. Logos: Of course.
Hygeia: A little more... There you go... Now rub your hands together vigorously. I said "vigorously"! You can't let those germs get the upper hand!
Dr. Logos: Okay, okay.
Dr. Logos: Very well. Let me start by saying—
Hygeia: Oooh, Doctor. Would you mind putting on these sterile plastic pants before you sit there?
Dr. Logos: I don't see why that's necessary.
Hygeia: Oh please, doctor.
Dr. Logos: Why is the snake looking at me like that?
Hygeia: My snake becomes, um, unpredictable around germs.
Dr. Logos: Very well. I'll put on your blasted plastic pants.
Hygeia: Lovely. Now tell me what's on your mind.
Dr. Logos: I've just been feeling a bit depressed lately. Several of my sessions haven't turned out well at all. Medea got even more murderous after I talked to her, Hephaestus had a nervous breakdown, and Atlas almost dropped the sky onto the earth.
Hygeia: Hmmm.... and how does that make you feel?
Dr. Logos: Really? That's the best you have to offer? "How does that make you feel?"
Hygeia: I'm sorry, doctor. But would you mind wearing this surgical mask before you say anything else?
Dr. Logos: But—
Hygeia: Not another word. Your germ-ridden spittle fills the room.
Hygeia: Oh, look. Now you've got my snake excited again.
Dr. Logos: This is the worst therapy session in the history of the earth. No wonder people don't worship you anymore. No wonder the temples of you and your father lie in ruins.
Hygeia: Hey, now. My snake and bowl symbol is used for pharmacies throughout the world.
Dr. Logos: Big whoop! You're the worst therapist I've ever known.
Hygeia: Oh, you think you could do a better job, huh?
Dr. Logos: OF COURSE!
Hygeia: Well, go forth and prove it, doctor.
Dr. Logos: I WILL!
[A door slams]
Hygeia: It looks like his confidence is restored, eh snake?