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Interview with Iris

Iris was pretty bummed when the gods started using modern communication. All this Facebooking, Tweeting, emailing, and texting totally put her out of her job as messenger goddess. Of course, as the following record of her texts will show, sometimes there's just no replacement for the old-school way of doing things.

Iris's Texts


                          April 25, 6:00 P.M.

Hey, baby, where you at?

                                            Be home soon. Ran into
                                            the Harpies. Said the
                                            Boreads were harassing
                                            them again.


                          April 25, 10:00 P.M.

Gettin worried...

                                            Sorry...soon. Chased the
                                            Boreads off. Getting a
                                            couple drinks with the

Tell the Harpies not
to poop on anything.

                                            It's who they are! B more
                                            sensitive to their culture.

Srry. You know I love
your sisters.


Come home soooon!

                          April 25, 12:30 A.M.


                                            SRRY! Ran into Aphrodite.
                                            Things are getting a little

I don't like you hanging
out with her.

                                            She's lovely.


                                            Whatevs, she's still grateful
                                            that I rescued her from the
                                            battlefield back in the Trojan
                                            War. So she's always wanting
                                            to hang out.

She's a bad influence.

                                            You never want me to hang out
                                            with popular goddesses.

Not true.

                                            Anywayz... going to that casino
                                            down in Elysium. Will b late.

The Underworld?!

                                            Why not? My rainbow arcs right
                                            down there.

Totally shady! Not safe!

                                            It's fine. I used to go down
                                            there all the time to get pitchers
                                            of water from the River
                                            Styx so the gods could
                                            swear on it.

Oh, you mean like when
you swore to be my wife?

                                            What's that supposed to mean?

A wife should be home
with her husband.


Don't ignore my texts!


                                            Maybe I should have stayed
                                            a virgin goddess.

                                            B home late.

                           April 25, 3:00 A.M. 

Are you doing this to spite
me now?

                                            OMG don't be so dramatic.
                                            Was just talking to Dido.
                                            Haven't seen her since
                                            I helped guide her soul here.
                                            Aeneas is around wanting
                                            her back, and she wants my

It's none of yr business.

                                            Everything used to be my
                                            business when I was a messenger
                                            goddess. What am I now but
                                            some pretty colors in the sky?

R u still at the casino?!!

                                            Nah, the Harpies started
                                            pooping on everything,
                                            so they kicked us out.

Coming home?

                                            Going to stare into the depths
                                            of tortoise.




                                            Maybe, I can catch a glimpse
                                            of my twin sister, Arce.

She's gone, Iris.

                                            She isn't gone. She's trapped
                                            in that black pit where Zeus
                                            threw her after he ripped off
                                            her wings.

That was a long time

                                            How could I ever serve a god
                                            who would do that? Was it
                                            really so terrible that Arce
                                            decided to serve Kronos during
                                            the War of the Titans? Zeus
                                            is such a jerk. All he does is
                                            use goddesses up and toss them

                          April 25, 4:30 A.M.

Getting seriously worried.
I know things have been
tough ever since Zeus and
Hera started texting and
emailing and Fbking instead
of using you and Hermes
for messages. But please,
don't take it out on

                                            Yr right. I'm SOo sad. ☹ Be home
                                            soon. Really, this time.


                          April 26, 6:00 A.M.

Iris, I require your assistance
in delivering a message.
Report to Olympus immediately.

April 26, 12:00 P.M.

Did you get my text?

                                            Just woke up. Long night.

I require you. Now.

                                            Don't get all bossy with
                                            me. I thought you guys didn't
                                            need me anymore.

I could have you thrown
into Tartarus!

                                            Go ahead. At least my sister
                                            wouldn't be alone anymore.

What's the matter with
you?! You used to be so
so chipper all the time.

                                            Until you guys abandoned me.

We were wrong to do so.


I need your help. Please!
I need a stern message
delivered to one of Zeus's
new lovers.

                                            Why don't you just text

I tried, but I don't think she
was fazed. A message
is much more dramatic when
it comes from a golden
winged goddess gliding
down a rainbow.

                                            B there in a few.


                          April 26, 2012 5:00 P.M.

Just got home. Where are you?
Ugh, I hope you aren't at that
casino again.

                                            Nope. I'm working. ☺

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