Why battle someone in a hand-to-hand conflict when you can just mail them a bag full of SARS? It’s easier, it poses less risk to your own safety, you don’t have to put on all that heavy battle gear, and postal rates aren’t all that unreasonable. Of course, it’s cowardly and underhanded, but hey... you gotta do what you gotta do.
I can bench 280, and I’ve got thighs like tree trunks.
More to the point, I’m responsible for a 35 percent mortality rate in humans…
…and even those who survive wind up covered in rashes and blisters.
Some of them go blind and others suffer physical deformities, like this.
As you might guess, it makes it awfully difficult to get a date to the homecoming dance once you've dated me.
I have to say, as tough a character as I am…
…some people have come up with pretty vile ways to spread me.
For example, British soldiers delivered blankets infested by me and my boys to the Native Americans.
They knew that the Indians would get sick and many would die.
Sounds like a pansy way to deal with undesirables, but then…
most of them didn’t have massive guns like I do.
However, nobody but the Indians seemed to have a problem with it.
The action was sanctioned by the colonial and British officers.
The idea was that the Indians would pose too much of a threat to their homes and families
if they were allowed to prosper.
They weren’t really worried about it seeming “inhumane,”
as they didn’t really look at Indians as “humans.”
Guess the arms, legs, skin and hair didn’t tip them off.
This wasn’t the first – or last – time that something like this happened.
Biological warfare has been seen in many forms since.
There were biological attacks during World War I by Imperial Germany…
… and again in World War II…
… involving experimentation on prisoners by the German-Nazi Regime.
These guys made the British officers in colonial America look like real sweethearts.
Their cruel experimentation caused many other countries to start researching biological
…so that they would know what to do if they were ever attacked themselves.
Much like during the arms race of the 1950’s and 60’s.
During the Korean War…
…the US was accused of using biological warfare on a massive scale against the North Koreans.
We think it might have been Kevin James’ scale, but we can’t be sure.
As a result of these accusations…
…President Nixon got all up on a soapbox about the destruction of biological weapons.
He created an Executive Order to make sure it actually happened, too.
Shortly after the major powers contributed to the germ-warfare ban…
…many signed a treaty, making it official.
By the 1970’s, over a hundred countries had followed suit.
So now it’s almost as if there’s a war against us.
I miss the times when we were used to torture and defeat others…
…and nobody was intent on wiping us out.
Those were the days. <<Sigh>>
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to spend about twenty minutes on my quads.
See you in the showers.