This story is more romantic, tragic, and morbid than Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Don't believe us? Watch this video to see how the myth pulls off such an amazing feat.
Although, if you ask me, that one is a little harder to forgive than leaving the toilet seat up.
You’ve probably all heard of my famous husband, Orpheus <Orr-fee-us>.
It seems like everybody’s got one of his concert tees in their closet.
Well, I’m the woman behind the legend. My name’s Eurydice <Yur-ID-iss-ee>.
As in, “Orpheus, your idiocy cost us our chance at happiness!”
I’ll tell you more about that bonehead move later.
It’s not like I’m still mad at him or anything. You’d just think that a genius
musician capable of sweet talking his way into the underworld would have better impulse control.
But whatever, it’s no big deal.
My darling FeeFee really is a genius, though.
Back in the day, he sailed into danger with Jason and the Argonauts.
Don’t get them confused with Jackson and the Astronauts…they’re that Michael Jackson
tribute band that opened for Orpheus in Portland.
No, the Argonauts were the heroic dream team that sailed with Jason to find the Golden Fleece.
Orpheus wasn’t there as hired muscle;
he provided motivational music during the voyage.
What, you don’t think that’s important? You try rowing across the sea with a bunch
of unwashed men and no iPod!
He also drowned out the singing of those man-eating Sirens.
No really. They liked to eat sailors!
Fortunately, their tempting songs were no match for my man’s vocal cords. …
Orpheus’s music could even make stones and trees move. …
I guess you can see why a girl would fall for him. …
We got married right away. It was a super-classy affair, with karaoke and limbo at the reception.
I took a little walk outside to burn off some of those cake calories, and got bitten by a snake.
Come on, really? So I died.
For most couples, this would mean the end,
but Orpheus used his powerful tunes to melt the hearts of Hades and Persephone.
They actually let him into the realm of the dead to rescue me! There was only one condition.
One. They literally said to him, “Orpheus. Don’t look at your wife until after you
get her out.” Simple, right? So guess what he went and did anyway?
He got one last look, and then I faded back into the underworld. Aw, Hades.
To Orpheus’s credit, he felt extra guilty about my dying twice. He grieved for me, and
sang incredibly sad songs that made the forest animals weep.
Even the armadillos, and they are notoriously tough nuts to crack.
Unfortunately, the roving band of murderous wood nymphs were not his biggest fans.
Orpheus didn’t want to party with them, so they decided to throw things at him. …
When that didn’t work, they tore him apart.
They flung Orpheus…or what was left of him… into the river, and his head floated downstream,
still singing my name. …
That’s right. I was his everything, even after death.
Romeo and Juliet, eat your hearts out.