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Description:

This dude decapitated a creature with snakes for hair and married a beautiful maiden that he saved from a sea monster. Let's see how many of you can beat that.

Language:
English Language

Transcript

00:05

Perseus, a la Shmoop.

00:09

Greetings all. As I'm sure you know, I am

00:11

Perseus, founder of Mycenae <<my-SEE-nay>>, first and best of all Greek heroes...

00:17

...despite what that hack Heracles <<HAIR-a-clees>> seems to think.

00:20

In any case, I've decided to take a break from my glamorous job as a constellation

00:25

to set the record straight on a certain incident in my past.

00:32

It seems that my old enemy, Medusa, has circulated a video

00:35

on Youtube which makes me seem like the monster instead of her.

00:39

To my amazement, some people actually believe the nonsense she's spouting and can't see

00:43

through the fact that she's just trying to sell copies of her terribly written memoir.

00:49

Medusa tries to make it sound like she was an innocent victim

00:52

whom I brutally murdered for my own glory.

00:55

Let's clear one thing up right now: Medusa was a horrible monster and deserved to die.

01:01

Sure, I decapitated her on a dare from King Polydectes <<polly-DECK-tees>>,

01:07

who was trying to get me out of the way so he could marry my mom.

01:12

But I didn't just kill Medusa because Polydectes told me.

01:15

She really was a problem.

01:16

She was so bitter about being turned into a Gorgon

01:19

that she loved nothing better than turning people into stone.

01:22

I really deserve a lot of credit for taking that chick down. It was no easy task.

01:30

First I had to find these nasty hags called the Graeae <<GRY-aye>>.

01:33

And when I say nasty, I mean nasty.

01:36

These ladies only shared one eye between them.

01:38

Can you imagine putting an eye into your socket that'd been in someone else's?

01:42

I still get skeeved out just thinking about it.

01:44

They also only shared one tooth, which is almost even grosser.

01:53

The hags weren't that helpful at first, but after I held their tooth and eye hostage,

01:57

they told me what the next step of my journey should be.

01:59

They told me I need to go see this nymph chick,

02:07

which turned out to be a great idea... for a lot of reasons.

02:10

Mostly because the Nymphae <<NIM-fay>> helped to hook me up with all kinds of useful Medusa

02:14

slaying items, like Hermes's winged sandals...

02:19

Oh, and by the way, despite the rumors Hermes has been spreading, my feet do not stink.

02:23

The nymphs also gave me the kibisis <<kuh-BYE-siss>>,

02:25

this awesome sack that couldn't be corroded by Medusa's vile blood.

02:30

After that, I was off to find the nasty sea cave that Medusa called home.

02:34

Really, it wasn't too hard to find because of all the yard art.

02:38

Before I entered the monster's lair, Athena popped in to give me an ultra shiny shield,

02:42

advising me to only look at Medusa through its reflection.

02:45

Athena gives the best tips.

02:47

So, I flew into the cave, peeking around corners like mamma Athena told me,

02:51

and I couldn't believe my luck when I saw Medusa asleep.

02:54

It's true that I was faced with a bit of a moral conundrum here.

02:58

Should I wake the monster up, or should I kill her in her sleep?

03:02

You guessed it. Noble hero that I am, I did the right thing...

03:06

I walked boldly up to her and hacked off her ugly head before she could open her warty eyelids.

03:11

Even though Medusa tries to make me look bad for doing this in her book,

03:14

it's clear to everyone that the humane thing to do was

03:17

to put her out of her misery before she even knew what hit her.

03:20

Wasn't long before I was soaring through the

03:22

sky with her head stuffed in the kibisis.

03:25

Little did I know that my adventure wasn't quite over.

03:28

I should've figured, though.

03:29

What hero's quest is complete without rescuing a smokin' hot babe?

03:34

Her name was Andromeda <<an-DRAH-muh-duh>>, and her parents had chained her to a rock

03:37

for the sea monster, Cetus <<SEE-tiss>>, to eat.

03:42

It seems they'd managed to tick off Poseidon, and watching Andromeda be devoured was the

03:46

only thing that would make the sea god happy.

03:48

Yeah, he's kind of twisted.

03:50

Medusa's head made my job really easy here.

03:52

All I had to do was zip down, show the monster

03:55

her ugly mug, and BAM!...he was a big hunk of rock sinking to the bottom of the sea.

04:00

See, Medusa! I used your head for good. I saved an innocent maiden, the perfect maiden

04:05

I would one day make my wife.

04:07

After that, I continued to use Medusa's head for good. I petrified Andromeda's creepy Uncle

04:12

Phineas who was trying to marry her. And I also used it to petrify creepy King

04:16

Polydectes whom I found trying to force my mom to marry him when I got back home.

04:22

So there you go. Point proven. I'm a true hero, and that's that.

04:26

Clearly Medusa is just trying to make me look bad

04:28

to sell more copies of that rag she calls a memoir.

04:31

Let my unblemished reputation as the perfect hero shine on forever,

04:35

with as pure a light as the stars of which I'm now made.

04:39

Oh, and if you want, you can by my memoir on Amazon for $8.95.

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