Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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Identify the grammatically incorrect sentence.

(A) Uncle Martin wanted to go to the carnival (due to his love of Ferris wheels), but he's getting open-heart surgery tomorrow.
(B) Chelsea always has cravings for the weirdest, most unhealthy foods you could imagine (fried Twinkies, chocolate-dipped tofu, and corn dog pizza.)
(C) All of the flowers in the Queen's garden (even the roses and chrysanthemums) survived the harsh winter and are now in full bloom.
(D) She literally sprinted to Starbuck's (the one a block away); apparently she needed her coffee fix!

Stephanie is shopping at Costco when she runs into John Cusack, her favorite actor of all time, ever. Unable to mask her fangirl tendencies, she immediately begins quoting Mr. Cusack's films to him. Here's one of her favorite quotes from High Fidelity:


"She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."


If Stephanie wants to speed things up so Mr. Cusack can finish his shopping, how would she best shorten the quote while retaining its original meaning?

(A) "She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease… It wasn't spectacular either. It was just… really good."
(B) "… It sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."
(C) "She didn't make me miserable… anxious… ill at ease… just good… really good."
(D) "She didn't make me miserable, anxious, or ill at east… It was just good. But really good."

Choose the option that is grammatically incorrect.

(A) I wanted to go the movies. But my boyfriend wanted to go to the skate park instead.
(B) If only you could have gone to the school play; Michael really stole the show with his solo as the Phantom of the Opera.
(C) For a Friday evening, the bowling alley is surprisingly packed, but then again it is disco night.
(D) She should have gone to the river with her friends, apparently the water was more refreshing than AC could ever be.

Identify the error in the passage that follows.


The fall is Leif's favorite time of year because the leaves change colors. Instead of that boring old green, they turn into tones of deep reds, sparkling oranges, and bright yellows. If it were socially acceptable to frolic in leaves all day, Leif would certainly do it. Playing in a pile of bright color just brings him so much joy, he feels at peace with Mother Nature while communing with the leaves. However, he also doesn't like when strangers stare at him like a crazy person, so he tries to contain his love of leaves while in public.


(A) day, Leif
(B) joy, he
(C) person, so
(D) I see no error here, no matter how much you beg for me to find one.

You were late to class today, and you hate being late to class. You wanted to explain your tardiness to your teacher, so you wrote a short note during free write time. Keeping in mind conventions of formality and proper grammar, which note should you submit?

(A) I would like to apologize profusely for my tardy arrival this morning. I would have been on time if not for my little brother who likes to sleep in past his alarm and refuses to be woken up by anyone unless they bring him breakfast in bed. He really is quite frustrating sometimes… especially when I am trying to make something of myself through education!
(B) If you had been in my house this morning, you would understand why I was late. Let me set the scene for you… mom cooking eggs, bacon, and toast all at the same time… sister complaining because she really wanted pancakes… dad talking to his business partner on the phone… brother practicing the drums downstairs… It was not a peaceful start to the day, to say the least.
(C) I am very sorry for arriving late to class today. I know that it is disrespectful, but I hope you will allow me to explain… My dog is quite old, and this morning he could barely stand. I was worried about him. I was sitting there petting him when I realized that I had missed the bus. Thankfully my mom was able to come back and get me, but by then it was already too late… Again, I am very sorry.
(D) I hope you can forgive me for being late to class today… I know that it is rude to be late, but I had a really rough morning… I could not stop coughing when I woke up, and to make matters worse, my older brother also woke up feeling ill. My mom decided that we had to stop at the store for medicine… Otherwise I don't think we would have made it through the day… I promise it will not happen again!

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