Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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Choose the option that quotes the statement below correctly.


I would like to thank my parents who devoted so much hard work and so many resources to raising me. I know you two weren't happy about all the acting classes, drama boot camps, and speech therapists I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense! In all seriousness, I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Actor if it weren't for you.


(A) "I would like to thank my parents who devoted so much hard work and so many resources to raising me. I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Actor if it weren't for you."
(B) "I would like to thank my parents… I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense!"
(C) "I would like to thank my parents for all the hard work and resources they devoted to raising me. I know you two weren't happy about all… I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense!"
(D) "I would like to thank my parents who… say I wasn't worth the expense… I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Car Commercial Actor if it weren't for you."

Stephanie is shopping at Costco when she runs into John Cusack, her favorite actor of all time, ever. Unable to mask her fangirl tendencies, she immediately begins quoting Mr. Cusack's films to him. Here's one of her favorite quotes from High Fidelity:


"She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."


If Stephanie wants to speed things up so Mr. Cusack can finish his shopping, how would she best shorten the quote while retaining its original meaning?

(A) "She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease… It wasn't spectacular either. It was just… really good."
(B) "… It sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."
(C) "She didn't make me miserable… anxious… ill at ease… just good… really good."
(D) "She didn't make me miserable, anxious, or ill at east… It was just good. But really good."

Which of the following sentences are grammatically correct?

I. I have always wanted to travel to Africa (that's where zebras live!) even though I know I will have to get about twenty different vaccines.

II. I went to a Lady Antebellum concert (Country music is my favorite.), and Keith Urban showed up as a surprise guest!

(A) I
(B) II
(C) Both I and II
(D) Neither I nor II

Can you pick out the sentence with incorrect punctuation?

(A) I have always been inspired by Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Go! to travel the world in a hot air balloon.
(B) The fact that my friend really wanted me to read an article titled "The Power of NO!" really concerned me.
(C) Back when my dad started working for Yahoo!, he made us all switch over our email accounts for moral support.
(D) My mom has turned into a master chef thanks to her new book titled Let's Get Cookin'!.

Which sentence has correct punctuation?

(A) "Are you seriously going to eat dessert after chowing down that entire bacon cheeseburger?" my cousin asked.
(B) He yelled, "Geronimo!", and preformed the most amazing cannonball I have ever seen.
(C) The teacher stated, "Christopher Columbus, known for "discovering" the New World, was a Spanish explorer that changed the course of history, for better or worse."
(D) She shared her favorite quote, "It's all make believe, isn't it"?

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