Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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You are drafting your first essay for your English class. The prompt asks you to write a narrative telling a story of how you developed one of your fears. You write about your unfortunate first encounter with that blood-curdlingly terrifying species known as the squirrel. Which of the following passages does not belong in your narrative essay?

(A) Then he jumped on me! Squirrels are the most swift and vicious animals that have ever lived!
(B) When the squirrel bit into my arm, I screamed, "Ouch! I'm going to die!"
(C) You will never believe what happened next—the rest of the squirrel's family came after me!
(D) I ran quickly, seeking refuge. Eureka! I spotted a mossy pond, which kept the feisty family at bay.

Chester is writing a horror short story for her English class. Which of the following choices uses ellipses most effectively?

(A) Arya ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against it, panting. She could hear footsteps approaching. Her pursuer moved quickly yet deliberately, and with each thud of his boots, Arya's eyes widened with fear. He reached the door and then… nothing. Total silence. What was he waiting for?
(B) Arya ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against it… panting. She could hear footsteps approaching. Her pursuer moved quickly yet deliberately, and with each thud of his boots… Arya's eyes widened with fear. He reached the door and then nothing. Total silence…. What was he waiting for?
(C) Arya ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against it, panting. She could hear footsteps approaching… Her pursuer moved quickly yet deliberately, and with each thud of his boots, Arya's eyes widened with fear. He reached the door and then nothing. Total silence. What was he waiting for?
(D) Arya ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her… She leaned against it, panting…. She could hear footsteps approaching…. Her pursuer moved quickly yet deliberately, and with each thud of his boots, Arya's eyes widened with fear. He reached the door and then… nothing. Total silence. What was he waiting for?

Which option below revises the sentence to make the dash more appropriate? 


The spider crawled down the wall—and onto my sister's head.


(A) The spider crawled down the wall—landing on my sister's head.
(B) The spider crawled down the wall—and onto my sister's head!
(C) The spider was crawling down the wall—my sister's head was right there.
(D) The spider was crawling down the wall—straight toward my sister's head!

You were late to class today, and you hate being late to class. You wanted to explain your tardiness to your teacher, so you wrote a short note during free write time. Keeping in mind conventions of formality and proper grammar, which note should you submit?

(A) I would like to apologize profusely for my tardy arrival this morning. I would have been on time if not for my little brother who likes to sleep in past his alarm and refuses to be woken up by anyone unless they bring him breakfast in bed. He really is quite frustrating sometimes… especially when I am trying to make something of myself through education!
(B) If you had been in my house this morning, you would understand why I was late. Let me set the scene for you… mom cooking eggs, bacon, and toast all at the same time… sister complaining because she really wanted pancakes… dad talking to his business partner on the phone… brother practicing the drums downstairs… It was not a peaceful start to the day, to say the least.
(C) I am very sorry for arriving late to class today. I know that it is disrespectful, but I hope you will allow me to explain… My dog is quite old, and this morning he could barely stand. I was worried about him. I was sitting there petting him when I realized that I had missed the bus. Thankfully my mom was able to come back and get me, but by then it was already too late… Again, I am very sorry.
(D) I hope you can forgive me for being late to class today… I know that it is rude to be late, but I had a really rough morning… I could not stop coughing when I woke up, and to make matters worse, my older brother also woke up feeling ill. My mom decided that we had to stop at the store for medicine… Otherwise I don't think we would have made it through the day… I promise it will not happen again!

What is problematic about this sentence?


Dwayne's favorite animal at the zoo has always been the long necked giraffe; he seems to identify with its awkwardness.


(A) There should be a hyphen between long and necked because it is technically a compound word.
(B) There should be a hyphen between long and necked to avoid ambiguity in meaning.
(C) The sentence should be split into two because it is a run-on sentence.
(D) The word "its" should be changed to "it's" because it is functioning as a possessive pronoun.

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