Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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Identify the punctuation error in the conversation.


Alfred: It's a beautiful day outside, isn't it.
Batman: Must you always only point out the good things in life? What about that gray cloud in the sky?
Alfred: Turn that frown upside down! It's 70 degrees and sunny. What more could you ask for?
Batman: I prefer my temperature to be 73.6 degrees exactly. Stop telling me what to do!


(A) isn't it.
(B) sky?
(C) down!
(D) do!

Which of the following statements is least grammatically correct?

(A) The teacher loved to exact cruel and unusual punishments on his students—normally in the form of a pop quiz with twenty questions.
(B) The helicopter pilot was handling the simulator with ease—when a monkey crossed his path and forced him to crash into a tree!
(C) The clown did an amazing job with his face make-up—even adults were scared of his creepy fake grin.
(D) The farmer could not imagine living in a city—how do those people survive not being surrounded by the beauty of nature?

Which of the following sentences is MOST grammatically sound?

(A) Every night I wash my face, brush my teeth, write in my diary, call my grandmother, count to 100 sheep, and go to bed.
(B) The new cupcake bakery that opened up next to our school has tantalizing flavors: butterscotch bliss, death by dark chocolate, peanut butter party and strawberry soiree.
(C) My dad's new car is silver, but the dealer had more exciting options, such as racy red, kiwi green and blue thunder.
(D) Gina, George and Geoff forgot to grab the three-dozen balloons we made for the party last night.

After your teacher tells you to stop writing, she asks everyone to pair up and switch papers with a partner. Your partner likes your paper overall but thinks that one sentence is out of place. Which one is she talking about?

(A) Sunspots may be cooler than their surrounding areas, but their temperatures are still quite high—around 4500 Kelvin!
(B) A "big" sunspot measures 300 to 500 millionths of the Sun's visible hemisphere—that's over two times the entire surface area of Earth.
(C) Sunspots are regions that are cooler than surrounding areas on the Sun's photosphere—by around 1500 Kelvin.
(D) Sunspots are visible to the naked eye—just make sure you don't stare directly into the Sun!

In terms of punctuation, which of the following sentences is most grammatically sound?

(A) Because my brother has to wear sports goggles (everyone calls him laser beam).
(B) I know exactly which page of my diary contains my deepest secrets, but I'm not telling you (132).
(A) She wanted to continue (playing dress up), but her mom thought fourteen was a little too old.
(D) All the children loved the entertainment at the birthday party (Giggles the clown).

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