Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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Choose the option that accurately describes the statement below. 


Uncle Bill is my favorite family member because he has some pretty odd hobbies—extreme ironing, competitive dog grooming, and campanology.


(A) The dash should be replaced with a colon.
(B) The dash is the correct form of punctuation for the sentence.
(C) The dash is too dramatic for the topic of the sentence.
(D) Both A and C are correct.

What step would you take first to improve this list?


My grandma has certain rules when it comes to cooking in her kitchen:


  1. You never, ever question the genius of the chef: it's their recipe, after all
  2. You always let the chef have the first bite: it's only fair
  3. The chef never does dishes: they've worked too hard already
(A) Replace the first colon with a period
(B) Change the colons in the list to semicolons
(C) Place a period at the end of the list items
(D) No fixing needed

How would you correct the following passage?


The week before homecoming, Hannah and I were in study hall, which is held in the school library under the watchful eye of our evil librarian. You are technically not allowed to talk, but how many people actually follow that rule? We certainly do not. Hannah leaned over and whispered quietly in my ear, "My boyfriend just texted me and said one of his friends wants to ask you to the dance"! We got kicked out of study hall with detentions in hand soon after that.


(A) Delete the comma after "hall"
(B) Change the question mark to a period after "rule"
(C) Shift the exclamation point inside the quotation mark after "dance"
(D) I wouldn't change a thing

Stephanie is shopping at Costco when she runs into John Cusack, her favorite actor of all time, ever. Unable to mask her fangirl tendencies, she immediately begins quoting Mr. Cusack's films to him. Here's one of her favorite quotes from High Fidelity:


"She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."


If Stephanie wants to speed things up so Mr. Cusack can finish his shopping, how would she best shorten the quote while retaining its original meaning?

(A) "She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease… It wasn't spectacular either. It was just… really good."
(B) "… It sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."
(C) "She didn't make me miserable… anxious… ill at ease… just good… really good."
(D) "She didn't make me miserable, anxious, or ill at east… It was just good. But really good."

Which sentence uses correct punctuation?

(A) All babysitters know that when a three year old asks for ice cream, you give him ice cream.
(B) The five-year-old girl wanted a bejeweled rocking horse for Christmas.
(C) Even though he was fourteen-years-old, the boy asked for toy soldiers for his birthday.
(D) My little sister loves to play with dolls; she is such a typical six year old.

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