Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

1/5

Stephanie is shopping at Costco when she runs into John Cusack, her favorite actor of all time, ever. Unable to mask her fangirl tendencies, she immediately begins quoting Mr. Cusack's films to him. Here's one of her favorite quotes from High Fidelity:


"She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."


If Stephanie wants to speed things up so Mr. Cusack can finish his shopping, how would she best shorten the quote while retaining its original meaning?

(A) "She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease… It wasn't spectacular either. It was just… really good."
(B) "… It sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."
(C) "She didn't make me miserable… anxious… ill at ease… just good… really good."
(D) "She didn't make me miserable, anxious, or ill at east… It was just good. But really good."

Choose the option that quotes the statement below correctly.


I would like to thank my parents who devoted so much hard work and so many resources to raising me. I know you two weren't happy about all the acting classes, drama boot camps, and speech therapists I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense! In all seriousness, I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Actor if it weren't for you.


(A) "I would like to thank my parents who devoted so much hard work and so many resources to raising me. I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Actor if it weren't for you."
(B) "I would like to thank my parents… I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense!"
(C) "I would like to thank my parents for all the hard work and resources they devoted to raising me. I know you two weren't happy about all… I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense!"
(D) "I would like to thank my parents who… say I wasn't worth the expense… I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Car Commercial Actor if it weren't for you."

What is wrong with the following list? 


James only had three things on his bucket list: ride on the back of a tiger, run a marathon in Antarctica, and solve world hunger.


(A) What is wrong with the following list? James only had three things on his bucket list: ride on the back of a tiger, run a marathon in Antarctica, and solve world hunger.
(B) The colon should be replaced with "…"
(C) There should be no punctuation after "list."
(D) Only "James" should be capitalized.

You were late to class today, and you hate being late to class. You wanted to explain your tardiness to your teacher, so you wrote a short note during free write time. Keeping in mind conventions of formality and proper grammar, which note should you submit?

(A) I would like to apologize profusely for my tardy arrival this morning. I would have been on time if not for my little brother who likes to sleep in past his alarm and refuses to be woken up by anyone unless they bring him breakfast in bed. He really is quite frustrating sometimes… especially when I am trying to make something of myself through education!
(B) If you had been in my house this morning, you would understand why I was late. Let me set the scene for you… mom cooking eggs, bacon, and toast all at the same time… sister complaining because she really wanted pancakes… dad talking to his business partner on the phone… brother practicing the drums downstairs… It was not a peaceful start to the day, to say the least.
(C) I am very sorry for arriving late to class today. I know that it is disrespectful, but I hope you will allow me to explain… My dog is quite old, and this morning he could barely stand. I was worried about him. I was sitting there petting him when I realized that I had missed the bus. Thankfully my mom was able to come back and get me, but by then it was already too late… Again, I am very sorry.
(D) I hope you can forgive me for being late to class today… I know that it is rude to be late, but I had a really rough morning… I could not stop coughing when I woke up, and to make matters worse, my older brother also woke up feeling ill. My mom decided that we had to stop at the store for medicine… Otherwise I don't think we would have made it through the day… I promise it will not happen again!

What do the following three statements all have in common? 

  1. Jack is so pro American that he only wears red, white, and blue.
  2. I do not envy A list celebrities; who wants to be photographed at the grocery store?
  3. Nobody believes that Uncle Rory can actually fit twenty two marshmallows in his mouth.
(A) They are grammatically correct.
(B) They are fragments.
(C) They are missing hyphens.
(D) They have incorrect ending punctuation.

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